Putting an End to All or Nothing Thinking
While it may sound simpler to live in shades of black and white with no messy gray area to deal with, it’s not a great idea. Thinking in terms of black and white boundaries that are set and unchanging comes with one huge problem: the world (and your life) simply doesn’t work that way. Eventually, some gray area will enter your life, and if you’re too attached to an all-or-nothing mindset, you’re in for a world of hurt. Your whole system can come crashing down, leaving you to pick up the pieces and wonder what’s wrong the world. (The answer: nothing–it’s always been that way.)
The consequences of all or nothing thinking aren’t pretty, even if this simple way of looking at things seems more convenient in the moment. (I’m talking from experience here.) Consider…
You end up with “nothing” as often as you end up with “all.”
If you only accept things into your life that are perfect, don’t expect to have much to enjoy. This includes relationships, too. There’s a difference between having healthy standards and arbitrary rules. On the other hand, if you can do, enjoy, and participate in things that exist in shades of gray, you get to experience an entire spectrum of beauty.
You deny certain healthy wants and desires to avoid a slippery slope that doesn’t really exist.
“If I put one thing in the cart, I’ll end up buying 20 items.” No, you won’t. You have the power to prevent that from happening. Or, “I’ll skip that party since I know I’ll get sucked in for way too many hours.” No, you won’t. Not if you choose to leave whenever feel it’s appropriate. Unless genuine addictions are involved, you don’t need to limit yourself with slippery slope thinking. You are in control for as long as you choose to be; don’t give that up along with the pleasures that go along with being responsible.
You may put things off until a crisis arises.
There’s a difference between a survival need and a soft need. We rarely have genuine survival needs. (”I will die if I don’t buy some food or a new coat.”) That doesn’t mean you can’t do or collect things. Trying to wait until you absolutely have to have something (or face dire consequences) rarely works out well. “Soft” needs and even just desires are okay to fulfill. All or nothing thinking guarantees you get stuck in panic mode way too often.
You miss the discussion and leave learning at the door. (After all, in a black and white world, you’re already right.)
Being right all the time sounds fun. (I wouldn’t know; no one in my life has ever let me hold onto that illusion for even the briefest of moments…) But where’s the spark, where’s the growth, where’s the real, well… life? Give up on the idea of knowing it all and enjoy discovering it as you go. You’re not the only one fumbling around; the rest of us are right there with you.
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This post has 15 comments
August 5th, 2009
Seriously? How are you in my head?! Thank you for you great posts. One after one, they impact me. THANK YOU!
August 5th, 2009
This is a great post. So many of us (me included!) have this all or nothing dichatomy of thinking in our minds. It’s hard to break the habit but you’ve offered some great suggestions here. I have to echo the comment above and say THANK YOU!
August 5th, 2009
Oh how I love the lasst two sentences. These need to go on an e-card, t-shirt etc.
August 5th, 2009
Sara
This reminds me of what I’ve read over the years on not making everything in life an “either/or” situation. Sometimes the best “choice” or option is something far more creative than either “this or that.”
Some things (values, ethics) are indeed black and white and should remain that way–you gotta have benchmarks for law, etc. or you end up with real chaos. In fact, there’s been too much vascillation in our society on some of this with really poor outcomes for so many.
Moderation in action, thinking, etc. is a word that needs a rebirth in our society. It seems as if people only know deprivation or excess, too little or too much of X or Y or Z.
loved you calling attention to this thought and loved when you wrote:
You are in control for as long as you choose to be; don’t give that up along with the pleasures that go along with being responsible.
I love the phrase “the pleasures of being responsible.”
Ah, now that is something to really savor and chew on. Too many people opt out of responsibility without understanding its true merits and satisfactions.
August 5th, 2009
Sara,
I used to be there – in the all or nothing mode. But have realized that there are always exceptions. Nothing in extremes is good. Balance is the key.
August 5th, 2009
Excellent point about leaving the learning at the door- learning is essential! I like some grey in my life.
August 6th, 2009
What you speak of in this post seems analogous to the phrase, ‘The perfect is the enemy of the good’, which is something I’ve been trying to beat into myself for quite a while.
Excellent post, Sara. It’s also helpful to realise that there may be others stumbling around out there :}
August 6th, 2009
Thank you for this post. I’ve been struggling with the “All or Nothing” approach in my desire to cut back on clutter and I find it’s so hard to stop collecting things that I love. After reading this article, I feel like I don’t have to stop adding to my collections as long as I still love them!
Whenever I deprive myself of shopping for too long, I go on a bit of a shopping binge. Balance truly is the key!
August 6th, 2009
Very well timed post, I needed this to remind me about this faulty logic of mine. You are RIGHT!
August 6th, 2009
Thanks for this post. I am usually a person of extremes & need things like this to remind me that things don’t really work that way!
August 6th, 2009
Very insightful article. I am working on finding a middle ground too. I don’t want to loosen up too much, but I really could stand to lighten up some. Some days are better than others…
August 9th, 2009
I have recently been considering how to go beyond the grays of life, a world I find full of could’s, should’s and maybe’s.
Action without thinking.
August 9th, 2009
Sara, this was excellent. It’s an interesting take on the slippery slope. You do have the choice to eat just one sinful meal once in a while or to leave a party. We always have a choice. I think some people who do not have good self-control need to be more careful about falling off the wagon. I personally have incredible will-power and I can make a decision to each just one, but I know others who struggle with it more. Overall I really like the approach though and I totally agree that everything in life is not black or white – including everything we say on our blogs.
August 10th, 2009
Jarrod, you make a great point. Thanks for bringing it back to action–actually living–instead of just thinking about living.
August 11th, 2009
Excellent stuff – and this is a biggie. A massivey, in fact.
That’s the problem at the heart of our Western ways of thinking. It’s all in terms of dichotomies. If you’re not a winner, you’re a loser. And so on. We like our opposites – and so they spill over into the way we think.
But the entire world is always between opposites. Always. And unless we really, truly *get* that – as this post nicely shows – then we’re going to have all sorts of problems.
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