Sharing Space with Your Spouse

There’s only one way to put this: living with a spouse is in absolutely no way like living with a roommate.  A spouse (or partner or boy- or girlfriend) has so many more ways to be annoying while interfering with your personal space.  They can:

*Use up your closet space

*Interject their junk into every single room

*Insist on ridiculously uncomfortable temperatures and accessories in your sleeping space

*Casually replace your stuff with theirs

And you can’t even rely on having your bedroom as a personal sanctuary!

I feel particularly fortunate that living with my husband has been virtually drama-free—and that’s something I can’t say about any of my former roommates. We may be a fluke in terms of our peaceful cohabitation and drama-free merge, but I also think there are a few cardinal rules that we’ve both chosen to play by that have helped.

What’s Yours Is Yours

What’s mine is yours sounds nice on paper, but the truth is that you can put your partner at ease by not getting your grubby paws on every possession of theirs.  Ownership in a relationship is still okay, at least in my opinion.  While shared items like the television, the couch, the CDs, and food can and should be considered shared (in other words, start referring to your  dining table as “our” table), it’s okay to maintain personal collections.  Keep your hands off his razors and deodorant, and he might have mercy on your super-expensive face cream.

Be Stingy in Setting Boundaries (at Least at First)

It’s tempting to throw open the doors and welcome your spouse into every area of your nest.  Don’t.  If you need a corner or a room that’s all your own, then draw that line early.  Don’t wait until your driven up the wall by having lace doilies and scent diffusers in every room to claim your zone.  Boundaries go beyond the physical as well.  If snuggling all night long does not work for you or you don’t want to be touched when you’re paying the bills, make it clear early on.  It’s offensive to be told months or years later, “I hate it when you do this.  You’ve been annoying me forever with this and I just now got the guts to tell you so.” Ouch.  Set stingy boundaries up front and then ease up as you’re comfortable, not the other way around.

Show Respect to Their Stuff and Spaces

Maybe you don’t need boundaries.  That doesn’t mean your partner doesn’t.  Just because you don’t understand why 49er paraphernalia needs to cover every wall of the office, respect your partner’s (weird) needs and desires.  Treat all of their items with the same care and attention you would treat your own.  To do otherwise is to be rude and put yourself first in the relationship.

Drill Down to Your Common Ground

Spousal quirks will drive you crazy!  My husband and I could not get on the same page when we were picking out things for our new home.  Every single item I liked, he hated.  It sucked.  I got mad, and he got frustrated.  We finally worked harder at figuring out each other’s bottom lines.  Any item we put in our had to be comfortable and unfussy.  It took us to just about ground zero, but we’d finally found the (small) common ground we could share.  Talk about what’s behind the quirkiness and you might be able to understand and tolerate it better.

Be Generous

When cohabiting, consider the golden rule in effect at all times: do unto your partner as you wish they’d do to you.  This can mean picking up the slack on chores when they had to work over the weekend.  It can mean choosing the cookware they prefer if they’ll be doing most of the cooking.  It can mean putting their ugly but often used hair stuff in prime bathroom real estate.  Be generous, and go the extra mile without worrying about everything coming out completely 50/50.  If you both can be generous without letting yourselves be doormats, it generally comes out in the wash.

Give Some of Their Stuff the Glory

You’re completely aware that his collection of USC shot glasses is both lame and tacky.  The funny thing is, he thinks the same about your vintage postcard collection.  As you create a shared space, be sure to give priority placement to your spouse’s possessions as much as your own.  In our house, I have a tendency to want to stick anything B loves in the office, since that space is considered “his.”  I have to remind myself how unfair it would be to corral all of his favorites into one room.  Why shouldn’t you each be surrounded throughout your home with a mix of stuff you truly love?  So find a place for her favorite (totally ugly) poster in a prominent area instead of hiding it away, and he thinks the Xbox game collection is a work of art, work it in.  Trust me, in a few months, you won’t even notice it.

In 75 Percent of Spaces, Blend Your Styles

There is a limit to the boundaries.  In rooms where you both spend a lot of time, you should both be represented in the space.  It might not look picture perfect, but, let’s be honest, it’s just stuff.  Having a room filled with comfort and love will always make you feel better than a lonely room that’s decorated to perfection.

It’s All About Respect

If there was one rule, this would be it.  Without respect, there is no successful cohabitation—or relationship.  Respect your partner, and these suggestions all come naturally and effortlessly.

What’s your bottom line? Any advice from those who’ve been successful—or been burned? I’d love to have you share your ideas and suggestions in the comments.

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