I’m Sorry, But You’ve Got to Stop Apologizing
I’ll say it up front: this post won’t pertain to everyone. Here’s how to know if I’m talking to you. Imagine the first words out of your mouth in the following situations:
*Someone squeezes next to you in a cramped aisle
*You ate the last slice of pizza
*Someone commented on your clothing
*Your boss made a neutral statement about an upcoming deadline
*A significant other or family member jokingly commented about dinner not being ready
If the first words out of your mouth in one or more of these situations were “I’m sorry,” I’m talking to you. You, my friend, are an overapologizer.
What’s an Overapologizer?
An overapologizer abuses the word “sorry” until it has no meaning. While you may be trying to be accommodating, friendly, or unassuming, there’s a good chance it’s not working. You’re more likely to come off as scared, ineffectual, or a brown noser. (I know. Ouch.) Unless it’s offered sincerely when an apology is truly required, “I’m sorry” is just another excuse.
You apologize anytime you’ve simply taken up space or time, regardless of whether you should feel sorry or not. An unnecessary apology is like waving a giant red flag or shouting, “I totally don’t feel I deserve to speak out or take up space.” Not cool. Doesn’t do anything good for you. Stop it now.
Think Three Times Before Apologizing When…
1. Feedback is being offered by a boss or supervisor. An apology probably doesn’t help anyone in this situation, so instead focus on listening to the feedback and incorporating it into your work. If you’re not being approached for a mistake, there’s most likely no need to apologize. Show your interest and talent by focusing on action, not apology. Excess apologies are just annoying in the workplace, and they can undermine how you’re perceived. If you’re talented, you don’t need to apologize for that. If you’re struggling, apologies don’t help either.
2. The issue is one of personal choice. You don’t need to apologize for not wanting pineapple on your pizza. Or wearing pink. Or sitting in the comfy chair. If you’re making a choice that negatively impacts others, reconsider your actions. Make your choice and live with it, but don’t try to have it both ways by apologizing when you can’t be sincere.
3. There would be a “but.” “I’m sorry, but” is in no way a sincere apology. You may as well say, “I think you’re wrong, but I’m willing to placate you to get this over with.” That’s not an apology, that’s an insult. If it’s not sincere, you’re most likely better off sticking to your guns and disagreeing as respectfully as you can.
If You Really Do Need to Say You’re Sorry…
I’m not saying that apologizing is bad—just careless apologies that mean nothing. In my opinion, there are absolutely times when apologizing is necessary and totally beneficial. Namely:
*When your own carelessness, negligence, or thoughtlessness causes harm to another person that you sincerely regret.
If that’s the case, then apologize, but (of course!) keep it simple. Speak directly to the injured party or parties and tell them why you’re sorry. If there are amends to be made, make them.
What advice do you have? Are there times when even an unnecessary apology can have benefits? Please feel free to share your thoughts in the comments.
Similar Posts:
- Handling Feedback Elegantly and Easily
- Frustrated by Responsibility? Me Too
- Only Love
- Too Much Stuff? Sleep on It
- Your Life Is a Sculpture. Keep Chipping Away.
This post has 13 comments
September 22nd, 2009
Awesome post! I’ve been looking for something like this to give to quite a few people . . .
Ron´s last blog ..Should You File For Bankruptcy?
September 22nd, 2009
Fantastic post! There’s nothing that makes me crazier than an overapologizer. I hate it!! This is such great advice… If only I could pass it along to the overapologizers I know without it being offensive…
Positively Present´s last blog ..5 simple ways to cultivate inner peace
September 22nd, 2009
Hey Sara, nice post. I think it also depends on the person and how they were brought up. Some people apologize to be polite, as that is part of their culture upbringing. Other people apologize only if they do something truly wrong. Some people, like you say, overuse the word.
I used to have a friend who apologized for every action when playing basketball (missing a shot, passing the ball wrong, etc.). It got so annoying that his apologies became meaningless and I actually told him to stop apologizing to me because I couldn’t concentrate. I told him to just play the game.
Tristan Lee´s last blog ..Captain of the Ship
September 22nd, 2009
Okay, I’m one of the people this article was directed to. It’s great, though, to have someone point this out that isn’t right in my face and angry or frustrated at me personally. So thank you for writing this post – it definitely gives me some food for thought, and a starting point at what to improve.
(See? No apologies this time! It’s working already!)
Nicki´s last blog ..Busyness of a 6-year-old
September 22nd, 2009
Overapologizers in my life tend to make me want to criticize them more! They give off this vibe of “come beat me up!”
Scientific Living´s last blog ..The Power of Aesthetics
September 22nd, 2009
I love this one; “Make your choice and live with it, but don’t try to have it both ways by apologizing when you can’t be sincere.”
I have realized that over-apologizing is a form of out-of-integrity behavior and that is what resonated with me in what you wrote in that sentence.
I can also see why it irritates people and I would call their bluff if I was Dani.
If they are sorry for sitting in that comfortable chair for example say “Yes so am I, I am sorry too that you sit in that chair, so could you please get out of it!”
Wilma Ham´s last blog ..The benefits of doing completion.
September 22nd, 2009
Over apologizing
Yes, you were directing this to me.
Guilty as charged. Its a bad, lifelong habit that I got into to “keep the peace”. In public, I overdo it to make sure I’m not perceived as a rude, thoughtless person. I guess for me I do it out of fear.
Carla´s last blog ..A Small Vent about SIGG
September 22nd, 2009
Mom had this one: “If you truly meant it, there’s no need to apologize for doing or saying it.”
September 22nd, 2009
For the record, my husband has been getting on me about this for years. Appropriately enough, my first response is usually, “Well, gosh, I’m sorry for annoying you with my apologies, honey!” Only when I started working with someone who does this more than me did it really hit home on how others perceive this behavior.
I agree with Tristan that most folks engage in this behavior out of politeness, but the end result can be just like what Scientific Living said—an impression of, “Come pick on me. Even I feel like I deserve it.”
September 23rd, 2009
Do you think the same could be for people who say thank you over and over…
September 25th, 2009
I think you must have been in my brain before you wrote this post. I struggle with this all the time — sometimes I get better, and then I tend to revert back, especially when I’m going through a more insecure phase. And my sister is even worse! We must have been trained to do this as we were raised. But it’s always good to remember to try to stop it! Thank you for this post!
Sarah´s last blog ..A Start for Sunday
September 29th, 2009
Great post! Not only am I sometimes the culprit, but I often catch others doing just this, and it drives me nuts. – Wonderful wisdom as usual!
The Coach
The Coach´s last blog ..Simple Solutions Coaching – Personal Coaching has never been so affordable!
October 28th, 2009
My 5 year old gave me this lesson…I used to say “I am sorry but you cannot have this or go there or whatever” whenever he could not have what he wanted. After a while he would break into tears and tell me that he does not like it when I say “I am sorry” since I don’t mean it. After a few days, I finally realized why it upset him so much…..saying sorry when you are not actually sorry is far more distressing.
Add a comment