I think just about every person in the world has had a toxic friend in their life at one point or another.  There’s no blueprint of toxicity and no warning signs to steer us clear of these folks. (That’s unfortunate…)  There are some common patterns that emerge in a toxic friendship:

An unequal expectation of how much each person is supposed to give to the relationship

A person who claims “star status” in the friendship

A lack of flexibility and room to grow

Any of these sound uncomfortably familiar?  It may be time for some distance if you’ve got relationships with “toxic” written all over them.

Toxic friendships complicate your life in more ways than you may realize. These friends are more than needy, they’re parasitic.  Hours can slip by as you listen to their woes (which are rarely all that bad), and you find yourself wondering where your time is going and why you feel so bummed out.  Even worse, you may have a friend who likes to prop themself up subtly tearing you down and making comparisons between your lives (usually in their favor). Not cool. This adds stress to your life while taking away your time for positive, healthy interactions.  If you’re ready to simplify your life, you ignore examining your friendships at your own risk.

How to Identify a Toxic Friend

1.  You feel crappy after talking to them instead of uplifted.

2.  You’re afraid to tell them about some important aspect of your life because they’ve been unsupportive or downright rude about it in the past.

3.  You think of excuses not to take their calls or make plans with them.

4.  They’ve actively insulted you on more than the rare occasion. (Even the best of friends can disagree and fight, but these fights should be rare and resolvable.)

5.  You secretly imagine how good it would feel to throw a banana cream pie in their face.

6.  The treat other people in your life as competition instead of potential friends.

My Story of Toxic Train Wreckage

Here’s why I know how bad these friendships can be: I’ve been on both sides of the court.  Yeah, I have my share of victim stories about friends who were friends only if you agreed with them and gave them the spotlight.  I’ve got tales of woe about friends who were fabulous and fun, provided you didn’t try to cut into their time by (gasp!) dating and having romantic relationships. (You know, having a life outside of them?)

But here’s the truth: I’ve also been a terrible friend at times, not providing the attention and support needed and relying on the other person to stay in touch instead of reaching out myself.  Toxicity is truly a two-way street.

How to Break up with a Toxic Friend

In my experience, there are two ways to end a bad friendship: quickly and painfully or slowly and awkwardly.  Neither is fun. Neither is neat.  And neither is easy.

If you still want to keep this person in your life, just to a lesser degree:

1.  Stop responding to fake crisis calls. If you don’t drop everything to take their “I’m so devastated! My boss gave me a look that I think means he secretly hates me and that skank from marketing wore the same shirt as me” calls, they’ll find someone else who will.  Or they’ll deal with it.  Either way, it’s okay to step back and get off the first alert calling tree for non-emergencies.

2.  Address their concerns, but take more control of conversations. It’s okay to talk about you, or steer conversations away from pity parties and self-absorbed sagas. Be willing to disagree with them and deal with the consequences.

3.  Demonstrate that you won’t be insulted or belittled.  To be honest, I’ve never had much luck trying to call toxic people out when they’ve insulted me.  The best response I’ve gotten is, “I’m sorry you took what I said so personally.”  Much more effective has been ending conversations with sickening sweetness or just plain abruptness.  The message is clear: there is no reward for subtle digs and no games will be played.

4.  Be frighteningly honest. Some people really don’t recognize their own dramatic tendencies or consider your needs.  You can actually tell a person, “I really can’t listen to you describe every detail of your work shift.  Could you just tell me the best three things that happened to you and leave it at that?”  You can also be honest if their overly negative attitude is what’s driving you away: “I’m trying to focus on positive things.  What’s something good that we can talk about?”  It may work and it may not, but your honesty will ensure that any friendship that continues on is built on mutually beneficial ground.

If you just want to end your relationship with the person in question:

1. Stop taking their calls completely. If you’re stuck seeing them on a regular basis, like a coworker, keep things on a purely business level.  Find a reason to leave and excuse yourself as needed.  It’s passive aggressive to expect avoidance to handle the problem, but it’s an important component.  You can’t break up if you still chat like always.

2.  Tell the truth. If you’ve got good reasons for cutting a truly toxic influence off, you can let them know honestly (without being cruel).  “I just can’t be friends with you right now” isn’t fun to hear, but it has the benefit of putting everybody on the same page.

3.  Find friends worth having. Seriously.  Give your time to friends you connect with and enjoy.  The long shadows of toxic folks shrink considerably when you’ve got better things to do with your time than worry about their moods.

Finally, Be a Good Friend

It doesn’t help to cut toxic friends out of your life if you’re not ready to foster quality friendships.  On occasion, you may find that the toxicity of a friendship drains away when you start being a better friend yourself. (Seriously, I’m not trying to preach; this is something I’m working on in my life.)  Make that first call, offer a genuine compliment, schedule a fun outing with another person in mind, send that ridiculously funny card for no real reason—there are tons of ways to build your friendships.  When you’re surrounded by good friends and good intentions, it’s amazing how little room is left for pettiness and toxicity.

The floor is yours: what are your experiences with toxic friendships? How can you recognize them? What can you do about it? Please share your thoughts in the comments and, of course, play nice.

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