Two Questions to Ask Before Going After What You Want
Have you ever felt like you were on a path that propelled you forward, regardless of your intent or interests? You’ve gone too far in your education to switch paths, or you’re tightly tied to the expectations of family and friends. There are as many reasons to stay on a path as there are people in the world. And it’s not always a bad thing to single-mindedly move toward a goal, a dream, a vision of what you want from life.
Here’s the kicker, though: does that path really lead where you want to go? In Philippa Gregory’s The Other Boleyn Girl (which, by the way, is just as much of a page-turner as everyone says it is), Anne Boleyn, exhausted, drained, and resorting to drinking in the mornings just to keep up appearances, notes:
I am going to marry the man I love. I am going to be Queen of England. Of course I am happy. Of course I am wonderfully happy. There couldn’t be a happier woman in England than me.
Totally believable, right? While this fictional passage is from an era nearly 500 years past, something about Anne’s dogmatic declaration of happiness despite all evidence to the contrary rang relevant to me. How many of us have convinced ourselves of a goal that would make us happy, worked ourselves to the bone toward that end, and never stopped to question whether we’re still excited about our prospects?
Two Questions to Ask on the Path of Simple Living
When it comes to simple living, I think this question can apply to both sides of the coin. Every now and then, we might all benefit from checking in with ourselves and our stated goals and asking:
“Am I enjoying my driven lifestyle? My high-paying job? My exotic vacations? My enviable lifestyle? My (Insert your weakness here)?”
If you’re not sure, it may be time to simplify your life. There’s never a bad time to revisit and reevaluate goals you set for yourself when you were 20. If any of your accomplishments feel more like dead weight, downshifting could be the new enviable lifestyle choice for you.
On the other hand, I’m also a believer in questioning whether simple life is still satisfying: “Am I enjoying my simpler life? Has eliminating the clutter in my life made me more satisfied, more relaxed, and more free to enjoy the things I truly love?”
And again, if the answers are no, there’s no reason to live an oversimplified lifestyle just for the sake of it. Maybe you love the urgency of an in-demand job or you just miss spontaneous city nights with friends. If you consider life on a spectrum or as a pendulum, there’s no going off-track. There’s only swinging from one side to the other as needed.
When you’re satisfied with the path that you’re on, you can commit to it fully and enjoy the journey along the way. In some ways, you get to live life with reckless abandon. In other words, there’s no reason not to throw yourself wholeheartedly at a goal. Just be sure to check from time to time that it’s a goal you’re still interested in and that still provides you with happiness.
The other option? Not so good. Just ask Anne.
So it’s time to hear more: how do you know when you’re on the right path? How can you distinguish from natural ebbs and flows in interest to a permanent shift in what you want out of life? I’d love to take this conversation further in the comments, so please dive in!
Photo of Hever castle courtesy of mydearDelilah
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This post has 17 comments
May 4th, 2009
What if you are just starting out on your path? I think the same questions apply, maybe even apply more because if you aren’t too far down the path and realize something isn’t right, then you have less backtracking to do to fix it….
Katies last blog post..Obama and the Swine Flu
May 4th, 2009
I wrote a similar post about wanting and figuring out if what you want is really want you want. Check out “the grass is always greener…or is it” on http://positivelypresent.typepad.com.
You make some great points here and, unlike me, you do a much better job of keeping it simple.
Positively Presents last blog post..rainy days and mondays…
May 4th, 2009
Yes, it’s important to check back in regularly…. not to have a moment of clarity and expect it to be enough to map out the rest of your life on.
I think of it as discerning the will of God, giving it more weight than my own blind will. But knowing that not everyone reading here believes in a personal God, let me think back to when I learned this … in Al-Anon, 20+ years ago, before God had become personal to me.
I guess the Al-Anon slogan that summed it up was “To thine own self be true”, that meant learning to check in with my gut feelings, getting centered, asking the question, and feeling an answer (hopefully) resonate within me. If no answer, that means wait, don’t make an irrevocable change until clarity comes. I guess eventually I identified that inner voice with the voice of God, especially in light of the 11th step: “Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, asking only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry it out.”
So my prayer is to be emptied of self-will and animated by the will of God. He comes up with much better scenarios than anything I could imagine, anyway!
May 4th, 2009
Good stuff.
I’m a fan of playing to strengths and following passions. At the same time I think it’s important to have a good idea of what you want to accomplish and what your boundaries are in terms of mind, body, emotions, career, financial, relationships and fun.
I think yet another sobering lens is figuring out how much money you actually need to make to fund your life style and what the boundaries of your life style are. For example, know what’s your minimum and what’s your ideal and give yourself a lot of flexibility in between.
At the end of the day, it’s approach over results. You can control your approach, but not necessarily the outcome so you better enjoy it
J.D. Meiers last blog post..Choose Your Jobs Based on Strengths
May 4th, 2009
Hi Sara,
For me I know I am on the right path because of what my heart tells me. It is kind of hard to explain but it is a feeling that lets me know that what I have decided is correct.
I am a big believer in following one’s inner voice or gut. Whenever I have listened to my mind over my heart, I have ended up in trouble. So I say listen to your heart and you will never be led in the wrong direction.
Hope all is well!
Nadia-Happy Lotuss last blog post..The Ambition Paradox
May 4th, 2009
Interesting post and ending question. All my life I have heard being in the zone is a kin to all is right with life.
I know that I am doing what I am suppose to be doing because my God leads me into a zone of contentment. Its a place were my balance is correct between work life, family life and spirtual life. Nothing is more significant then the other.
I am at peace in this zone so it is very apparent when I am there. The balance of this life makes it easy to function in all three areas and I make significant strides towards goals with ease.
Sometimes it will last for 3-5 years then I need to make some adjustments to goals and commitments to get that balance back.
Anyway I appreciate the importance of the simplicity of it all when life is in balance.
Scotts last blog post..Federal Pell Grant Program
May 4th, 2009
When I am feeling disconnected from happiness and life, I am not always consciously aware of it but I feel a general sense of dis-ease and dis-comfort. However, I will keep hitting my head against that wall until I finally can’t take it any more. Then, I notice that I have been saying “no” to the suggestions I have been making to myself — “Go to yoga…” “No, I’d rather sit here and watch TV.” “Eat healthier….” “No I’d rather junk out…” Until finally I start saying YES to the inner suggestions, which generally takes me down a new and better path.
Darla – ShareYoga.coms last blog post..Yes, Yoga Can Help Reduce Panic Attacks
May 4th, 2009
I know I’m on the right path when getting up to go to work doesn’t suck.
May 4th, 2009
Great Post Sara. I wish I had read this when I was eighteen and also had the wisdom to put it to good use! In high school I figured I’d go to a good college, get a finance degree, get a job, make money, be happy, et cetera and that would be that. But during college I could barely stand the required coursework and after graduating knew I couldn’t meander mindlessly anymore. After college I dropped the finance bit and started to follow my passion for fitness by becoming a personal trainer. It’s been great and I’m always excited to see what’s up ahead. I know the years to come will be much more fulfilling than if I had continued to go with the flow. It’s infinitely important to make sure you’re following your passion and also that you’re working to learn – not to earn.
Dave Ridarellis last blog post..The BEAR – Exercise for Busting out of the Recession
May 5th, 2009
My gut tells me every time if I’m doing what I’m supposed to or not. My problem is taking the time to listen to it. Fortunately, I’m getting better – especially when it comes to doing something I shouldn’t; that’s when the knot in my gut is very tight.
May 5th, 2009
I started learning Japanese about 6 months ago which I now basically devote every non-work hour to.
Still I can’t put my finger on exactly why I’m learning it, I know I am having a ridiculously fun time learning but I don’t know where I’m going with it.
I think the best activity to undertake when you are on a path is to try to get a feel of the end/desired state as early as possible. That way you get an idea of what it could end up like and if you want that.
That’s why I’m pushing to visit Japan asap. See if it is a place I would rather live in.
Even if your are currently enjoying something it is worth checking if there is not something else you enjoy even more if you stepped back and looked at everything.
May 5th, 2009
Thanks for all the stories, and big P.S.: I have no idea what my path is. I’ll be sure to tell you when I figure it out…
And I like Jarrod’s idea of figuring out if something you love might be part of a greater whole. Very interesting.
May 5th, 2009
Very true. We often are spinning towards this goal we set for ourselves without even stopping after a while to check whether it’s still in focus or really in line with what we were after when we started.
Thanks for sharing.
May 5th, 2009
Hi Sara,
I love this post and your questions. I’m forever “simplifying” and decluttering and after months of doing so, one would think I have no more to declutter. haha. It’s a slow process.
What I have found is living with less makes me feel “lighter”. Experiencing that positive feeling makes me realize I’m on the right path.
Another great love of mine is blogging, and even though I’ve been doing it for over two years, I still haven’t figured out where it will take me. The mystery of just that, keeps the fire burning.
BTW: It’s great being here again. Your posts are as great as always. I pray all is good in your world.
Barbara Swaffords last blog post..Who Said “Blogging Is Easy”
May 5th, 2009
Great post Sara.
I like a lot of people I wished I learned this lesson earlier in life. I went through high school with plans of attending university and becoming a Doctor because that’s what I assumed my parents wanted for me. Unfortunately I discovered after three years that I wanted to be more creative and all my parents wanted from me was to be happy and successful at what ever made me happy.
May 5th, 2009
In trying to discern one’s path, which will, like life, change, the biggest difficulty is often clearing out the other “voices” (family, friends, co-workers, bosses, community, etc.) that often keep us from clearly hearing ourselves.
At the same time, we have to perhaps stop thinking about what has worked before and the support, respect, recognition, etc we have achieved to date.
Too often, many people excel in a lot of stuff on the personal and professional sides even though there is no actual interest, passion or commitment.
It’s really easy to wake up and realize you have spent a lot of your life totally unaware of what really interests and drives you. If you’re very lucky, something in your life stops working and you “wake up” and begin the process of uncovering another path.
For a lot of people, it’s way too scary (and understandably so) to contemplate a different life. If the status quo is working, for example, to the outside world, your family and friends aren’t necessarily going to be happy to see a change that might also affect them.
So, first you have to be ruthlessly honest with yourself about your life and how you feel about it. It is NOT being ungrateful to question your path, even if things are “great” or seemingly “working.”
If we allow ourselves to slow down for a moment, pay attention to our lives and our behavior, we usually get hints that we need to stop and regroup.
Often we don’t do that until we’re so unhappy (but don’t admit it) and self-sabotage. Then, we’re forced to reevaluate our lives, usually at our weakest.
If you can get up each day, and despite the challenges that exist in every life, feel as if you are able to make a difference, to be present for yourself and those who matter in your life, you are “on” the path.
If your work reflects your interests and passion, that’s a bonus. But you may not be able to craft your professional life to match your personal passions and interest. That doesn’t mean you are “off” your path (This illusion that people can “do anything” professionally is what makes soo many people unhappy. We can do a lot more than we imagine, but we can’t do ANYTHING we want.)
A path isn’t just a direction or way to something, it’s a lot more. Your attitude, your intention, your actions and behavior.
Off path is when you betray your deepest values and beliefs. If you LIVE them, you ARE on the path. No matter where you are, what you do, what you have or don’t.
Path may be more about “being” than doing.
June 17th, 2009
This is a really great post. Given the transitional post grad school phase I’ve been going through which caused me to launch my blog and start really exploring myself, this post really hits home.
I remember watching this movie where someone said don’t worry about what you’re doing, worry about you are being. Looking back I hated the person I was being because of what I was doing.
Srinivas Raos last blog post..The dark side of imagination
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