Six Conversational Habits to Ditch Today
There’s something to be said for slow and steady progress… And there’s something to be said for strong, decisive, sweeping action. When it comes to bad, self-defeating habits, there’s no time like today to drop ‘em like they’re hot. I’ve been more aware lately of the annoying conversational habits of other people. Worse than that, I’ve then been noticing myself repeating those things. Cutting out these nasty habits make it simpler to get to the heart of communication, so why not start today?
Seeking Attention by Complaining About Your Life
I spoke to someone yesterday who all but refused to talk about the positive aspects of their life. After listening to their troubles, I asked about some of the cool projects they have going on. Within two sentences, they were back to complaining about pretty trivial things. We all need to share our troubles with friends (or strangers) from time to time, but don’t fall into the habit of turning conversations into your own personal dumping ground 100 percent of the time. It’s an easy way to get attention, but it’s a poor way to view your life.
Throwing off Compliments with Self-Effacing Remarks
It’s okay to say “thank you” when you’re complimented. By making a self-effacing comment, you nearly force the other person to repeat their compliment. Not gracious. Saying thank you isn’t snobby, like you’re admitting that you think you’re just grand, it’s simply courteous. Besides, you earned it. Saying “thanks” for a compliment reminds that you’re responsible for a lot of the good things in your life.
Fishing for Compliments
“Oh, I look terrible today.” “I just threw it together at the last minute.” “I’m really not good at things like this!” Please. Stop. Now.
Cutting People off Mid-Sentence
The only time this is okay is when you’re in an intense brainstorming session. Or you’ve got an urgent situation. Or you haven’t seen your best friend in months. Okay, so this habit is kind of elastic, but you get the gist. Most of the time, interrupting just means that you’re missing the best parts of the conversation. Plus, you’re showing your chat partner that you value your own thoughts over theirs. (P.S.: I am totally guilty of this one! This is the habit that will be hardest to break for me.)
Double-tasking While You Chat
If you’re talking to someone, talk to them. Don’t browse blogs, don’t jot your to-do list, and please don’t eat while you’re on the phone. People can tell. And it pisses them off. If you don’t have the time to talk, be honest and find another time or cut it short.
Focusing on Your Inner Monologue Instead of the Dialogue in Front of You
“Holy crap! That’s a great idea. Wow. What can I say that will sound smart and clever? I really hope they think I’m intelligent. I could touch on symbolism or make a reference to post-modernism. Wait–what did they just ask me?” Stay focused on the other person’s words and points. People rarely mind when you say, “Hmm. Let me think about that for a second.” Quite the opposite, since it shows that you’re taking the conversation seriously. If you compose your answers while someone else is speaking, you’re really only having half a conversation.
Again, I’m guilty of every single one of these. Any bad habits you’d like to add? Any exceptions that matter? Please feel free to add to the conversation in the comments!
Photo by Clairity Daily
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This post has 34 comments
April 10th, 2009
REALLY listen to people…. just adding to #6…
And stop telling everyone how busy you are. Everyone has lots to do… we are all accomplishing many things in our day – this is not a competition to be busier!
Jills last blog post..I am not one to ask for prayers often,
April 10th, 2009
Yes, these are some of the things we take for granted in everyday conversations.
I wrote a related post sometime back…
12 Words and Phrases That Automatically Kill Your Self Image – http://www.theenhancelife.com/2008/07/12-words-and-phrases-that-automatically.html
Shamelle- TheEnhanceLifes last blog post..Writing Effective Meeting Notes : Take Your Note-Taking Efficiency To New Heights!
April 10th, 2009
Great ideas. Sometimes when talking to someone I get so excited about what we are talking about, I sometimes end up interrupting due to my enthusiasm for what they are saying. I am working on trying not to do that but it is hard for me.
I also would add to the list that when talking to someone try to put yourself in their shoes so that you can see the reasons behind their thoughts and comments.
Nadia – Happy Lotuss last blog post..No Good, No Bad
April 10th, 2009
Wait, what did you say? I was too busy planning my comment
I am the worst at being an interrupter *blushing*
I know I do it and I am constantly reminding myself not to before I go into social situations but then afterward I kick myself for continuing to do it. I am grateful that my friends seem to love me anyway, but I really wish I could kick that horrific habit to the curb.
And I agree about complaining for attention. I get really annoyed at anyone who can’t see the positive in their life and only focus on the negative in their life and interactions with others.
Emily@remodelingthislifes last blog post..Link Love: March Top Referrers
April 10th, 2009
Great list. I know I have been guilty of all of these things at one time or another, sometimes more often than I really want to admit. Thanks for the reminder.
I am one of those people who likes to say what I think. However, I seem to learn so much more, and thus have even more interesting thoughts
, if I listen to other people, and get new ideas and perspectives. I have to remind myself sometimes, when I want to interrupt, that I enjoy listening to others, that it helps them and me, so listen up and shut up!
Taylor at Household Management 101s last blog post..Apr 10, Homemade Cleaning Recipes – Window Cleaning Formulas
April 10th, 2009
Oh, me too!! Cutting people off mid-sentence. They mention something that makes me think of something else and instead of focusing on the rest of their sentence (since I’m scared I’ll forget), I just jump in and insert my .02 and I’m off on another rabbit trail. Wow. What a run-on sentence!
And I can’t take a compliment. My husband hates that about me. He says something nice and I brush it off. I do it to everyone. Why is it so hard to just say ‘thank you’ and move on?
Thanks. I’ve got to work on these things. I love talking with people but I don’t think they like talking with me so much because of these habits.
April 10th, 2009
It seems to me that a lot of people do #1 a lot — especially at the office. People are always complaining about being bored or not feeling well or wishing they were at home. All of that negativity really brings the people around them down. Even though I have my complain-worthy moments, I really try to focus on the positive. People like positive people!
Positively Presents last blog post..the self-love song
April 10th, 2009
Ha! This is some of the exact stuff we were talking about the other day. Getting better.
DQ
Denniss last blog post..Six Conversational Habits to Ditch Today
April 10th, 2009
Great list Sara!
I’d add…
“Bringing Others Down To Raise Yourself Up”
I learned long ago how poisonous it can be to criticize others behind their back. I’m not perfect, but I vowed that I wouldn’t do it. And I am mistrustful of others who speak badly to me about someone else. Because when I’m not there anymore, what are they saying about me to someone else…
Cheers,
Adam
April 10th, 2009
This might be related to the interrupting-habit, but people who always bring the subject back to themselves…it’s annoying. I realize that sometimes it just a way of saying “I can totally relate to this, because it’s happened to me…” but sometimes, they’re just trying to one-up you with a better example.
That said, I know that I do this. I’m not trying to one-up anyone, but I wonder if I come off that way.
kirwins last blog post..I refuse to be vanilla
April 10th, 2009
Excellent post. My wife has commented before when certain people complain a lot in conversations. I always remind her that some people don’t really know how to have a conversation because to them, complaining IS conversation.
Christopher Laneys last blog post..Don’t Look Back
April 10th, 2009
They should have a mandatory “conversational” class for everyone to attend in life, with these habits as the main guidelines! Thanks so much for the reminder of what we should not be doing.
Sagans last blog post..A Balanced Variety
April 10th, 2009
This is so unbelievably true – can you somehow email this to everyone I work with?!?!
Christophers last blog post..‘Hero’ Mail Carrier Delivers for Woman in Need
April 10th, 2009
Wonderful points! I had to train myself to stop cutting people off in mid-conversation years ago – I have no idea from where I picked up that annoying habit. But I’m much better now. Thanks for the great post!
Barbara Ling, Virtual Coachs last blog post..BAM is the sound of your affiliate commissons scurrying away
April 10th, 2009
Well, I must admit I’m similar to a few of the other comments and have a bad habit of sometime interrupting.
I’m agree with Nadia, I only tend to do it when I get over excited about a topic.
Peace, love and chocolate
Carole
Carole – Rejuvenation Lounges last blog post..Walking Meditation:
April 10th, 2009
Good stuff.
One way to test your effectiveness is if the other person *feels* heard (empathic listening).
J.D. Meiers last blog post..Knowledge Workers Must Focus on the Results
April 11th, 2009
I particularly dislike people who come across as being interested in you by asking you a specific question and then they use it as a springboard to go on and on about themselves. This happened to me during the week – a woman I am acquainted with asked me how my new flatmate was going – I was impressed she remembered I had a new flatmate and was asking me about it – but then before I’d had a chance to utter more than a sentence, she proceeded to go on and on about her experiences of sharing. I felt like yelling, “Well, are you interested in me or not?!”!!
Frisky Librarians last blog post..An Easter epic
April 11th, 2009
This is a fantabulous post! I totally agree. I’d like to add:
* exaggerating and bragging in an attempt to impress others
* constantly criticizing and judging other people
* NOT really listening
* fault-finding
* Being Argumentative- wanting to be RIGHT all the time by making another wrong
* Making everything about YOU – YOUR worldview, YOUR experiences, YOUR perspective
* Tactlessness
* Sarcasm
Marj ¦ The Way of Moneys last blog post..You Can Still Win!
April 11th, 2009
I’m guilty of interupting too. I am trying to work on that. Like Nadia, sometimes I just get over excited about the topic! I also forget my thought quickly so I want to get it out there. My good friends recognize that about me and thankfully, love me anyways! But I AM working on it.
I am much better at take a compliment now.
“Thank you so much!” – is more than enough to say!
April 11th, 2009
I used to be the one multi-tasking while on the phone. That was 4 years ago. Now I infrequently catch myself. Good list. Plain manners.
Tess The Bold Lifes last blog post..A Bold but Modest Millionaire
April 12th, 2009
Painful how many of these I have! I think for a lot of us, it’s what we grew up with. For example, I grew up in a family that NEVER LISTENED (still doesn’t) and thus jumping tangentially and shouting down the other person is considered acceptable. Nothing can be shared, because you will not get listened to or worse, you will be denigrated for sharing your thoughts at all. I have to work hard at overcoming these tendencies in myself.
April 12th, 2009
A couple of other conversation wreckers;
- ‘Yes, I agree, BUT ….’
- Any form of unasked for advice
- Lack of eye contact when talking
- Non-verbal listening noises at inappropriate moments
- Laughing when nothing funny has been said
Yes .. I’m guilty as charged!
Ian | Quantum Learnings last blog post..Power of beliefs
April 12th, 2009
Hi Sara,
If you don’t mind, I’d like to introduce a guest post I did @ Insight Writer back in early March ‘09. I think it’s a good addition to the great tips you have given out here.
How To Be An Outstanding Conversationalist.
Cheers~
Mark
Mark Foo | TheBigDreamer.coms last blog post..The 77 Traits Of Highly Successful People – The Full List
April 13th, 2009
Definitely good points that we are all guilty of at one time or another.
I think we also have to step back and really ask ourselves if we want to engage in conversation and…if the other person is willing and able to do so. Also, if the timing is right. (Because often it isn’t and the other party won’t just politely say something to alert us. I’ve asked friends to say something, to flag me when they aren’t up for a conversation, which, like a tennis match, requires someone to hit the ball, and someone to hit it back. If they aren’t in the mood, that’s much better to know that wasting time and energy trying to connect.
There is a reason that so many of us resort to the behaviors mentioned in the article. Some people make it next to impossible to have a conversation with. It’s not about blaming either party, but about recognizing that real conversation is difficult because a lot of people are simply NOT comfortable talking.
They don’t respond. They don’t listen. They multi-task while you are trying to talk to them. They are just NOT PRESENT.
Conversations take on different aspects with those we are engaging. Strangers are different than very close friends. Family are different than friends. And our co-workers or bosses, definitely different.
With friends, there may be times when they do need to talk, and will dominate the conversation. ANd it won’t be two-way. That’s OK. As long as it’s NOT all the time.
As for being “negative” Well, folks, sometimes people need to vent and get it out. Then we move on. (It’s the constantly venting or not wanting to move on. As I do with friends, it’s OK. Tell me what you feel. Then it’s: OK. Now, what do you want to do about this?
Life is not always pleasant and friends and family need a safe haven to get their pain out and share with those who can then help them by listening, accepting and sometimes, doing nothing but listen. (not judging, suggesting, Commenting, etc.)
As for being argumentative? I think friends and others are allowed to politely and strongly disagree. In fact, I welcome it. It can’t be a real friendship if you don’t create an environment where both parties feel free to disagree (or agree to disagree). It’s not being rude.
Sometimes you simply have to ask someone, “What do you need from me in this conversation?” and then if they tell you, respect it. Sometimes, you have to be the one to say: Hey, I need to talk. Can you just listen?
For real conversation, you have to be open to it sometimes being less than pleasant, less than perfect and even one-sided (which of course makes it more like dialogue, but if you’re actively listening…you are learning and participating).
As for cutting people off, take notice of with whom you do it. You might be surprised. Some people only do it with certain folks and not others.
There are rhythms and patterns in speaking and some, especially where someone else is very slow to respond or doesn’t, will find you changing your own speaking pace, etc.
People who stop speaking, for example, without completing a thought drive me nuts. And most of the time, I end up starting to speak again, because my brain hears silence and thinks: Ok to talk.
So, it often takes two people to pay attention and then help each other to best learn how to communicate.
And by the way, sometimes the only way to even get some folks to talk is to ask questions and then to yes, relate a story from your own life. It’s NOT always about you. It’s often a way of saying: Hey, look, we all have this issue or problem. Here’s what happened to me. Now, tell me about YOU?
It’s often perceived that way by people who don’t like stories (tons of people really are NOT interested in others…story-telling and listening IS a two-way street).
To me, it’s about balance. I’m perfectly happy to hear someone I care about go on and on and on. As long as I know that when I need to talk, they’ll allow me to do so.
Conversation is about giving attention. To another and to one’s self. Which is why I go back to what I said first: Be sure you really want to have a conversation, which means you actually care about the person you want to have it with.
Most people talk to just do something. Which is why so many do other things at the same time. it’s not about communicating or sharing.
April 13th, 2009
Definately being argumentative and needing to correct someone all the time is a big no no. I have a friend who does this a lot, when I mention something that might not sound right to her. It could be the price of a pair of jeans that is off by $2, or something we’ve both read. It’s so silly that she even wastes her breath on stuff like that, and it is really insulting!
Secondly, just going on and on about yourself. It doesn’t even have to be in a bragging way, but when you are only sharing about your life, and not engaging the other person in the conversation, that’s pretty lame.
Take a genuine interest in the people you are talking to and the common interests you share, this can lead to great things. Don’t be too open too quickly….this is awkward!
April 14th, 2009
OMG! I am so guilty of all of these things! I think my biggest faux pas is rambling on about stories when I know most people are really not all that interested. Most of the time I am quiet, but get me going and I might as well be a wind up toy that will just keep going until I run out of steam! You know it’s bad when you hear, “Watch out, here she comes again, try to look busy.” Ouch!
I completely agree with KS that often we fall into these habits simply because we grew up with them. I know I tend to interrupt because it was hard to get a word in edgewise with my chatty family.
One other thing I hate…”well actually” – sooo arrogant and nearly always followed by something that more than half the time is wrong anyway!
Great post.
Kristina Summerss last blog post..The ridiculousness of “stuff”
April 15th, 2009
I CAN’T STAND it when people constantly interrupt me. I know sooo many people that do this, and eventually it just makes me give up. I just let them talk as much as they want, since it seems that that’s all they want to do.
April 21st, 2009
“Double tasking while you chat” << That’s a very important one!
It can’t be done. Well, I mean it “can” be done but I wouldn’t recommend it. You’re bound to run into that moment of silence. That moment when the person on the other line pauses and wonders if you’re still there as they utter the following to you: “are you still there??”
You pause and say…”yeah umm…”
And bam! You got caught.
So yeah…ditch the double-tasking and focus on the conversation at hand. I’ve done it and my conversations/presentations run much, much smoother now when I’m at work and on the phone.
Ricardo Buenos last blog post..Audit Your Social Profile
July 1st, 2009
Well, a bit late, but reading this post for the second time, I find it a good base to work on having ‘true’ dialogs.
(I’m to blame too!)
I may add ‘limit criticizing absent people as a usual base for conversation’. Because this is too easy. and not really productive most of the time. And so common
I’ll talk abour this post in one of mine I think. Thanks!
July 14th, 2009
People that whine all the time are not fun to be around, Family tend to do the one upmanship and whining devestatingly. Walk away from these situations.
Guy McLarens last blog post..10 things we can learn from Politicians
July 30th, 2009
There is a regional difference in conversation style. New Yorkers expect interjections like “No!” “You’re kidding!” and “Really?” to show you’re paying attention. West Coasters and New Englanders often bristle at these interjections and look at you as though you are trying to hijack the conversation. I’ve seen this referred to as “Don’t stop talking just because I’m interrupting!”
July 30th, 2009
I had a professor once who was visiting from the South and got really offended when people would interrupt with, “Yeah, yeah, yeah!” (think rapid succession, high level of enthusiasm) until she realized that in SoCal that meant, “I’m interested and understand; please continue!”
August 4th, 2009
another one that really bugs me is when people compete for the bigger better story. Its kind of funny to watch two people have a back and forth when each one is trying to top the other.Its quite annoying, however, when you’re trying to have a friendly conversation with somebody, but they just keep trying to one-up you. Sharing stories is one thing, but when you go over the top with them to make yourself look more interesting, its just down-right rude.
September 29th, 2009
Wonderful post! I’ve mastered most of these, but still have trouble with a couple!
The Coach
The Coach´s last blog ..Simple Solutions Coaching – Personal Coaching has never been so affordable!
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