Frustrated by Responsibility? Me Too
Serious talks in my household always seem to happen in the shower. Like a lot of other families right now, B and I try hard to ignore how it seems just about every smart, responsible move we’ve made in the last five or so years seems to be biting us in the rear.
Being Honest Can Suck
Last night’s shower conversation took a self-aware and somewhat ugly turn as we put into words all of the things we wished for but sacrificed in order to be responsible. We alternate between wanting the world at our feet and just wanting a white mocha a couple of times a month without the guilt.
The good news is that my husband and I are very much on the same page when it comes to personal finance. (Politics? Not so much…) As of yet, we’ve never had a conversation about money that escalated into an argument. Thankfully, our talk was more commiseration and reality checking than debating.
Regardless, we ended up feeling a bit hopeless and very lost.
Big Questions, Simple Solutions
Is it time to throw the towel in and give up on doing what’s right? Is it time to stop worrying about the future and start living for today? I’ll be honest: I absolutely have moments where I want to live with abandon and just deal with the consequences later.
Here was the twist for me: I took a few deep breaths and thought about what I really wanted in that moment. Not tomorrow, not in 30 years, just in the next half hour. And it turns out that a spontaneous getaway, a shopping binge, or a fancy meal weren’t it. When it came down to it, all I really wanted was to curl up in bed with B a couple hours early, drink a mug of tea, and read Stephen King.
Sometimes You Have to Let Go to Have It All
If you’ve made it all the way to the end, I sincerely apologize for not having a better point than this: sometimes our frustrations aren’t about wanting what we can’t have. Sometimes, it’s that we don’t let ourselves enjoy what we already have. Letting myself out of my nightly routines (and, well, blog writing) was all it took to feel about 90 percent better about life.
Once again, simple pleasures, if we’re receptive to them, can be our salvation.
How are you dealing with frustration? Are simple pleasures a panacea or just a way of putting things off? I’d love to hear your own thoughts in the comments.
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This post has 27 comments
March 10th, 2009
It is easy to get discouraged when you are trying to budget your money and live below your means. It is especially frustrating when you know others that are not and they don’t seem to be suffering any consequences. However, I firmly believe that a day of reckoning is coming for many. I don’t wish it on them, I just think it is inevitable.
I’m glad you were able to find refuge in some quiet time alone with a loved one. We certainly have to give ourselves a break from time-to-time to recharge the ole batteries. I hope things are looking brighter today!
Jeff@MySuperChargedLifes last blog post..Simple Living: Five Philosophies To Keep Life On Track
March 10th, 2009
Fantastic post. I agree that it can sometimes seem extremely overwhelming. I do shop somewhat frequently, since I’m a college student with no dependents or debt. Here’s my strategy for keeping things restrained:
I have a blog about earning extra money outside of a traditional job. Any income from that goes straight into savings (as does the earnings from my campus job)
My “mad” money for spending comes from my earnings in my online jewelry shop. I consider this extra money. I also don’t tend to have huge chunks of it laying around, so it’s very efficient at keeping my spending in check.
I definitely get pleasure from spending. I know that, and I just try to work around it so I’m still (mostly) living a frugal lifestyle.
Good luck to you! There’s not much that a mug of tea and a book won’t cure
Gabriels last blog post..Blog Warming Contest
March 10th, 2009
You spoke of “letting go.” Letting go was hard for me at first, but the more I practice it, the easier it becomes. The problem is, I’ve let go in certain areas of my life, but not in others. My challenge is to learn to let go in the remaining areas of my life.
As for simple pleasures, one quote, from Eckhart Tolle’s book, The Power of Now, has always stuck with me: “What in this moment, is lacking?” Ninety-nine percent of the time, I cannot find anything that’s lacking. It’s a great centering question that always reminds me that simple pleasures are what’s best, and even if I had a billion in the bank and ten houses across the world, I’d still want to do the same simple things that I like to do now: fly, walk in nature, make new friends, spend time with my kids and wife, and write about the world around me.
Christopher Laneys last blog post..Discover the Hero Within
March 10th, 2009
Gosh Sara, I felt exactly this way just weeks back when I wanted to pack it all in, and use up my life savings to travel round the world for a few years. After all, what’s all the sacrifice for?
I made a deal with myself to save half my money for the future and use half now. I figure that’s pretty fair and takes equal care of both parts of me (the present and future selves).
Daphnes last blog post..Last Call for Personal Creeds!
March 10th, 2009
I think you’ve TOTALLY nailed it with this. Sometimes the things we think we’re supposed to want aren’t what we want at all, too.
March 11th, 2009
Sara, If you stick to it, in time you won’t even want those things anymore and you’ll wonder how you ever did (considering the high cost of them for what little pleasure). You know what’s incomparably pleasurable? Security. And, we just don’t know it yet because we’ve grown up in an environment that never had it. But, we can give that to ourselves by giving up the fleeting, overpriced pleasures of white mochas. : )
Shanel Yangs last blog post..What Would You Do for a Million Dollars?
March 11th, 2009
If you live in future, then who will live your present?
I believe we don’t need to sacrifice everything for the future. If we live in present, enjoying simple pleasures (as you mention), then letting some things go for a better future becomes easy.
If we put everything on hold for making a great future, then sooner or later our heart will rebel.
Avani-Mehtas last blog post..How To Change A Sleep Pattern
March 11th, 2009
I know what you mean. There are other people who aren’t honest at all and they are having the time of there lives.
Paul Us last blog post..The TV that blogging bought
March 11th, 2009
This is a great post Sara. I can really identify. It’s really trying to give things up and sacrifice over and over with no end in sight. I’ve found the same thing helps me. I don’t need an expensive dinner I just need to stop and enjoy something, for me – sewing, reading, blogging. Thanks for sharing.
Nicki at Domestic Centss last blog post..Anybody Want An Apron?
March 11th, 2009
I believe that simple pleasures are indeed our salvation. I receive so much joy from sharing a meal with family, going to a free film with my sister or snuggling up to a good book at home with my greyhounds at my feet. Simple pleasures are not only our salvation but a fabulous copying mechanism. What can’t be solved, or at least come to terms with, by sitting down with loved ones for tea and cookies? And if it can’t be solved this way, how essential is it for you to be The Solver, anyway?
Elizabeth M. Johnsons last blog post..Are you Sure?
March 11th, 2009
You’re right, Sara. Simple pleasures are where it’s at. Like right now, for me – I’m at my computer with my two cats who are curled up together, napping, on their cushion that sits on my desk (another good use of desk space now that I’m almost paperless…). Every now and again I look over at them and it just feels good to see them relaxed and happy and know that their day is going to get better – dinner and some treats are only hours away! Of course, I’m assuming they’re happy…they are cats and it can be tricky to tell sometimes…
Thanks for the post; I enjoyed it!
Laurie | Express Yourself to Successs last blog post..Good Reads
March 11th, 2009
Hi Sara,
I went through the same thing a few years ago. I was freaking out about money. I was mainly worrying about retirement although that is like 30 years from now, and I so frustrated that I could not buy all the things I wanted. Then my husband asked me, at the present moment, am I lacking anything? I realized I had everything I needed at that moment.
I think that is the problem with worry and/or frustration, they are both emotions concerning things that either happened in the past or a concern for the future.
As someone once said, it is called the present for a reason because it is a gift. In my mind, that does not mean people should spend money with reckless abandon but rather see the blessings that you have now!
I know that many of us are having to pay for others who were financially irresponsible but at least you are not alone. We are all in this mess together.
Nadia-Happy Lotuss last blog post..Weird Schmeird
March 11th, 2009
Everyone has days like this, but that doesn’t make them any easier when you are going through them. I am glad you started to feel better, and I hope you have a better day today!
Taylor at Household Management 101s last blog post..Mar 11, First Aid Kit Checklist For Families With Children
March 11th, 2009
Sarah,
I don’t believe in sacrificing. We make choices. My mom, who I love dearly used to say, “After all I did for you how can you_______(fill in the blank). Of course I’d feel guilty although I don’t feel like this was her intention. I think she expressed her frustration this way. Although she really believed she sacrificed blah blah…
When my girls were pre-teens and teenagers I found myself saying, “Your doing what, after all I sacrificed for you?!?”
Somebody corrected me and reminded me everything I did for anybody was a choice not a sacrifice. This was so refreshing and it gave me a chance to leave “victimhood” forever.
You can be happy if you blame others or play victim. I am not sacrificing anything to be responsible. I am responsible because it’s my choice.
Tess The Bold Lifes last blog post..12 Tips To Be Bold & Set Your Heart On Fire
March 11th, 2009
For me, I’ve been less frustrated with money constraints, and much more annoyed with all the things I feel I need to do. I’ve been so busy that it’s gotten difficult to keep up with laundry and dishes and everything else. When I finally have a night at home, I get cranky because there’s all this work waiting for me and I just want to relax!
Slinkys last blog post..Roth IRA progress
March 11th, 2009
Sarah,
I agree with you about appreciating what you have.
It’s easy to take most things for granted. For instance, I recently injured my back. I had no idea how much I took a pain-free back for granted.
If you reflect on the present moment, you realize that all you have is the present moment and that is enough.
Roger – A Content Lifes last blog post..How to See Clearly When You’re Worried
March 11th, 2009
Wonderful post! For me, being able to tell my kids, Mom is off-duty, let Mom rest, and actually have them do so…it (along with 7 cups of coffee) help de-stress me well.
Taking care of number 1 is more important these days than ever, I think.
Data points, Barbara
Barbara Ling, Virtual Coachs last blog post..Trampoline fitness even an elephant can do
March 11th, 2009
Hi Sarah,
I’m older than you and I still sometimes think it would be great to have a bit more, but like you I have a wonderful husband who really is the one I always want to spend time with. We are nearly at the point of retiring and so can take a bit of time off. We head down to our little caravan on the lake. He fishes and when I’m not fishing along with him, I’m sitting stitching. Our friends are all wealthy and off on cruises and doing cooking courses in Tuscany or sailing round the Greek Islands. We haven’t got much but we have each other and we have a good faith. Your time will come and you’ll look back and think it was all worth it. One thing is for sure we are going to be accountable for what we do whilst here on earth. And as they say “Honesty is the best Policy” and Sarah, you can sleep with complete peace at night.
Blessings Gail
March 12th, 2009
And this is why setting intermediate goals is crucial. Thirty years from now can be like a lifetime. Goals set six months to a year in advance and then achieved can give tangible proof that progress is being made. It’s like the idea of climbing a mountain, and having intermediate stops en route to the summit.
March 12th, 2009
Man, you really know you’re married when you have deep, thoughtful conversation in the shower. My gf and I have yet to get to that point
Sometimes in life you just have to “let go.” I’m going to have to disagree with you on this because if I just “let go” of my goals and enjoy what I am doing now, I’ll never accomplish everything I want to in life.
My startup is currently making cash flow,but it’s not enough to complete our main project. If I just “let go” of making more cash for my startup, I’ll never get Viralogy completed.
I’m currently contacting bloggers for our vlog that launches this Monday. If I just “let go” and let the bloggers come to me, I’ll never set up more blogger interviews and our site won’t have any new content.
I think the point you’re trying to make is that we should all still strive for our goals, but at the same time, enjoy what we have right now.
That’s all a personality thing. You can’t just tell someone, “Hey, keep working hard but enjoy your life right now.” Sure you might motivate them to focus on the NOW for a week or two, but after that they’ll go back to the same old frustration.
- Jun Loayza
March 12th, 2009
Such a great post! Thanks for sharing!
March 12th, 2009
Tess writes:
“I am not sacrificing anything to be responsible. I am responsible because it’s my choice.”
Perfect, Tess. Just perfect. Responsibility should not be considered a “sacrifice.”
yes, it’s very tempting, given the state of the world and our feelings of powerlessness and, on occasion, even victimhood (if we allow it), to just toss personal responsibility out the window. After all, how many of our fellow citizens are doing just that? Isn’t that why it’s so appealing? No seeming “reward” for being “good.” Lots of goodies for those who do whatever they want. But the “end game” has not been played out by a longshot. (And can you even live with yourself when you start acting like the very people you would most NOT want to be?)
we are not responsible because we should be, or to get some goodies or “reward.” Being responsible is what we choose if we accept that we do have control over how we approach our lives. And that we do create our lives.
We can’t control the outcome of our behavior, and that can be very frustrating. But that shouldn’t put an end to our efforts.
In fact, so many irresponsible people have gotten so far because a lot of people have turned their heads, not taken responsibility and not tried to create change and hold the irresponsible accountable.
Being honest can, indeed, suck. But why would you want to live your life dishonestly?
it’s hard at times, but we all have blessings (and frustrations and wants.)
we need to separate our expectations about what “should” be, what we should “have”, which is the source of much of our unhappiness and frustration.
I don’t care how zen we are, we’re humans. We like stuff and we get Attached, with a capital A. But we’re working on it.
How many of us, who have worked and worked hard for years, have little to show for it and worse, no jobs and no likelihood of new ones. It isn’t fair, for so many, especially those who have been literally robbed. Especially when thieves, greedy and incompetent people are getting $$$ (including bailout $$$).
To focus on that stuff is to drive one’s self crazy.
You have to live with your own values and that means, generally, being responsible for yourself and acting like a good citizen.
Like virtue, it is it’s own reward.
March 12th, 2009
I really liked this article. You shouldn’t apologize for putting a good twist on a timeless piece of advice.
Sometimes we get too caught up in what we think we want instead of actually listening to that little voice inside of us.
Karl Staib – Work Happy Nows last blog post..Bring Hope Back to Your Company
March 13th, 2009
Good points. I was raised in a location that put a lot of focus on money and social ‘appearance’. Lots of other issues such as a traumatic medical experience and emotional stuff — living on very low, fixed income in materialistically driven areas. Hard to NOT beat oneself up. The cure from my perspective is to get back to the OLD ways of actually KNOWING your neighbors, and something we all should have learned in Kindergarten — SHARING with each other.
March 14th, 2009
I do find blogging and “Facebookin’” and tweeting cathartic though…don’t you?
Christophers last blog post..Dog Saves 9 People
April 11th, 2009
Remind yourself every day of the difference between need and want.
September 29th, 2009
I just found your blog today. My husband an I are a dual military couple trying to retire millionaires. I’m very frugal and he is somewhat frugal when I get on his behind about
We have a lot of stress to deal with on aside from our careers n family life. After a long day of work, exercise n taking care of our princess I realize it’s not the spa or Any place expensive I want to go to. I just want to escape into our home, make us some hot drinks and curl up in his arms like a little kid 
it may sound childish but there’s no ther place I’d rather be than at home or anywhere really, as long as my babies are with me. I love my little family. On really stressful days, all it takes is a smile or hug from my babies to makes it all worth the while.
Oh there are days I wish I wasn’t married or tied to anything. But it’s the people I’m tied to not the places and as long as my people (hubby n baby) are willing to move around, all is well in the world.
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