15 Graceful Ways to Say “No”
While saying yes can take us down some wonderful roads, there’s also a ton of value in saying no. We’re only given a certain amount of hours in our lives; do you really want to give yours away so easily? If you don’t have time to commit to a new project, complete a favor, or serve on another committee, it’s a good idea to just say no.
The problem comes when saying no will put you in an awkward situation. Maybe you feel bad turning down the invitation to a coworker’s bridal shower or you’re worried that saying no to your cubicle buddy will cost you opportunities down the line. What you need in your back pocket is a way to say no gracefully—and that’s just what I’ve got for you today. Consider them “Get out of Jail Free” cards for grown-ups.
For requests in the workplace:
“I’m sorry, but I just have a lot of other responsibilities on my plate. I really can’t give that project the attention it deserves.”
“I love your ideas, and I know a few people who might be great matches for your project.”
“You know, this isn’t really my area of expertise, but I know a few great resources. Let me write them down for you.”
“I’d love to help, but I’m on a strict deadline for the next few days. Let me know if there’s any way I can help another time.”
“I’d love to come to your [creepy after-hours direct marketing] party, but I’m babysitting for a friend that evening.” (I highly recommend brainstorming a few truthful excuses as to why you wouldn’t be able to go: make plans to call your mom, to catch up with an old friend, or to finally do whatever task it is that you’ve been putting off.)
“I’m sorry, but as a general rule I don’t participate in [insert activity or favor here]. If there’s another way I can help, let me know.”
For a friend’s event you can’t attend:
“I’m busy that afternoon. Why don’t you and I get together for brunch next week instead?”
“I wish I could come, but I’ve got a family thing I can’t back out of. I hope everyone has a great time.”
“Thanks for thinking of me! That evening isn’t good for me, but I’d love to come another time.” (Remember, only say “another time” if you really mean it–otherwise, you’re wasting the other person’s time.)
“No, I won’t be able to make it, but please let me know how it goes.”
“I really need some downtime, so I’ll have to pass. Email me a picture if you can and tell everyone ‘hi’ for me.”
When you’d rather have a root canal:
“My child/dog/cat has severe diarrhea, so I really have to get home. Thanks for the invite, though!”
“I have to apologize. I think I’ve got the beginnings of a migraine, so I’d better lay low tonight. I hope you have a great time!”
Or, try the Scarlett O’Hara option: “Why that sounds lovely! You will tell me how it went, won’t you? You’re such a doll!” Then book it out of there—fast!
And here’s the nuclear option. If someone really won’t take no for an answer for a non-work hours event, this should get them to let it go: “I’m sorry but I’ll be all tied up then. That’s bondage night at my house. “
If you’d like more good reasons to say no, check out Avani Mehta’s post, Saying No—And Feeling Good About It.
Editor’s Note: Some really great points were brought up in the comments. I definitely recommend reading through the thread!
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This post has 25 comments
February 27th, 2009
Hi Sara, I love some of these options, especially the later ones that get really funny and in their face! Some people just can’t take no for an answer.
Your suggestions are great because they are so specific and I could use them word for word. I’ve also learnt to just say “No thanks” then stand there smiling. I don’t think anyone is entitled to a reason unless I want to give one. I have every right to decide how I want to spend my time!
Daphnes last blog post..Parallel Universes: You May Be Everything You Ever Wanted To Be
February 27th, 2009
These are good but I’m still having difficulty with this one sometimes! We’re so conditioned to say yes and to please people that saying no isn’t easy.
Limiting your commitments and responsibilities to those things you are really passionate about or really want to do helps simplify your life. And I guess that all starts with saying NO.
Still a work in progress for me…but I’m getting there.
February 27th, 2009
Great ones, thanks! I love saying no! (when I need to, of course…)
February 27th, 2009
Sara, I think it’s so much more difficult to say no when it’s a very close friend or relative. Sometimes I feel, do I even have to come up with a reason…can a “I really don’t think I can make it” suffice. We’re so conditioned to explain the reasons for saying no and feel that the reasons have to be valid too.
Nithyas last blog post..Love for Learning Begins at Home
February 27th, 2009
Some of these later excuses really made me laugh! It really is important to be able to say no because you are so right, we only have so much time in a day and we should use it wisely!
Taylor at Household Management 101s last blog post..Feb 27, Does A Messy House Make It Harder For Your Kids To Learn To Read?
February 27th, 2009
Sara, you have a little typo in the last sentence of the first paragraph.
Otherwise, a fantastic article.
I’ll be linking to it shortly.
Marc and Angel Hack Lifes last blog post..The Unwritten Love Poem
February 27th, 2009
Or, we can just be honest and say, “Thanks, but I’m really not interested in that”.
February 27th, 2009
It can be SO difficult to say no; thanks for these ideas.
Sagans last blog post..Poll: The Milk Debate
February 27th, 2009
At 59 years old, a small biz owner, an Executive Member on a Board of Directors for a Trade Association, I often need to say no because falling asleep allowing your face to land in the dinner plate is not a good thing after a long day of smiling on my feet.
I have a home based business. It used to be hard to make others, including family, understand that I work in my office and no I can’t deliver them a cup of coffee.
Over the years it became easier to say no. We only have 24 hours a day and we need to place a value on our time. If they seem to need a reason, I can offer them the truth.
My best answer is that I simply need some time to air out my head and relax so I can have a productive tomorrow. If that is a white lie, then can I write the real truth in my journal.
February 27th, 2009
I’d caution against using some of these too often, however. For example, I really do get migraines all the time — once and twice a week, even. I’d hate to lie one night, and then get an actual migraine the next day. Obviously, this doesn’t apply to everyone — but be careful!
SavvyChristines last blog post..The Personal Touch
February 27th, 2009
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I can’t do that.”
February 27th, 2009
“I’m sorry but I’ll be all tied up then. That’s bondage night at my house.”
“Whips, chains and frozen bananas, oh my!”
February 27th, 2009
Sara, thank you so much for the link love.
I absolutely loved the funny reasons you mentioned. Utterly hilarious
February 27th, 2009
I like the Scarlett O’Hara option. I think there is a way to tone it down and use it. Saying no is one of my rules that I use for allowing myself to put myself first.
Stacey / Create a Balances last blog post..What Are Your Intentions?
February 27th, 2009
What an awesome post – especially the ones for the workplace. I just bookmarked it for handy cutting and pasting into emails
Christophers last blog post..Beautiful Views
February 27th, 2009
It is hard to say no. I have great difficulties myself. Just last week, I finally plucked up the courage to say no to a person who has been pestering me with weeks. It is not that I do not wish to help but my plate is really extremely full. Also, he is a position to solicit advice from his own designers. Maybe I should have tried the nuclear option on him! Great one there!
Evelyn Lims last blog post..How To Get To Enlightenment
February 28th, 2009
I’m a fan of the Miss Manners approach.
Her recommended phrase is, “Oh, I’m so terribly sorry, I just can’t.” If asked why not, her reply is, “Because I’m afraid it’s just impossible.”
(Quoted from the book “Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior”)
Jeri Danskys last blog post..Organizing with Children: Labels That Work
February 28th, 2009
The hardest way to do it, but the easiest way at the same time…is to just be honest.
Say no and give your reasons why, just be prepared for the consequences
Glen Allsopps last blog post..Visualization: 4 Mind Tricks to Change Your Life
February 28th, 2009
I just say: No that’s not going to work for me.
We don’t need an excuse. That’s a big problem with women. Some go as far as lying about the reason. We just don’t need to explain.
Repeat that twice and the person will get it.
Tess The Bold Lifes last blog post..Magic for Your Monday: Bold Steps for Living Your Dreams
March 1st, 2009
Great post that brought this quote to mind:
“I cannot give you the formula for success, but I can give you the formula of failure, which is to try to please everybody.” Herbert B. Swope
March 1st, 2009
One the ‘Nos’ in life we should learn to say is to say ‘No’ to lending money to somebody. This has always been very difficult for a lot of people, including myself.
You’re afraid of being labelled with all sorts of crude remarks if you turn down the request. And it puts you in a dilemma cos’ if you lend, you’ll most likely not get the money back, but if you don’t, you risk losing the relationship.
Moreover, if you do indeed oblige to the request, you’ll also be risking the relationship when you ask for the money back. It’s a No-Win situation.
There’s no one size fits all answer on how to deal with this. But I’d like to share with you how one of my colleagues turn me down gracefully when I popped the question.
She said, “I don’t think offering you financial help is such a good idea. But if you’re really so broke that you can’t feed yourself, I’ll buy you food.”
I was very touched by her reply, though she declined my request. I think offering favours instead of money would be a better option cos you get to 1) keep your money 2) help the person in need and 3) keep the relationship.
What ya think?
Cheers~
Mark
P.S. I’d included the above story in my latest article “How To Spend A Windfall Wisely”.
March 2nd, 2009
Why do we feel like we owe an explanation because we say no, I want to sometimes just say NO. I think when people ask why~ they are being rude and No does mean No, No you can’t bully me or manipulate me into YES!
March 3rd, 2009
I’m loving these ideas. I do agree that we should all be able to say “no” without offering a reason. I’m certainly not to the point where I feel comfortable doing that in a lot of situations, so if you’re like me, you might consider these suggestions training wheels. Or arm floaties. Whatever works for you.
March 9th, 2009
My NVC teacher (NVC = Non-Violent Communication) frames it this way: if you can tell people what you are saying yes to by saying no to them, they are more likely to be able to connect to you because they understand your underlying needs that you are trying to meet by saying no.
I don’t think it’s great training to lie about why it is you don’t want to do something – it takes some work sometime but you can get in touch with what you are saying yes to (like having some down-time), and that will help you connect with the people you are saying no to, and it will feel better to be honest (and keep the relationship clean).
Another suggestion is to use the words “I feel torn”, for instance, “I feel torn because I really value our friendship and at the same time I feel tired and need to rest tonight”. That way the person knows that you saying no is not about them and you have affirmed that you care about them. It’s about coming from “and” rather than “or” perspective.
Or “I feel torn because your project sounds interesting and at the same time I’m aware that my plate is really full right now”.
It’s more about naming what is actually true – your ambivalence or your needs – rather than making up something.
Emma McCrearys last blog post..Popularity vs. Life: Following Your Internal Nudges
March 21st, 2009
Excellent and timely primer – so many of us need more practice at this. Saying “yes” to everything and then burning with resentment – and burning out from over extension – does nobody any good.
Kymberlys last blog post..This one’s for the yaysayers …
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