The High Price and Payoff of Personal Responsibility
There’s a ton of buzz around the concept of personal responsibility. Everyone says it’s great, but not everyone actually wants to accept it. It just seems so much easier to blame things on other people. Sometimes it is. Sometimes it isn’t, but it just feels better to be frustrated at another person, corporate entity, or government branch.
Here’s the catch: easier doesn’t always equate to happier. When you find ways to blame problems on outside agents, you’re saying, “I give up. I have no control over my life. I can be as miserable as others want me to be.” It’s a short-term kind of sulky satisfaction. In the long run, it’s no fun.
Pass the Buck or Pick Your Poison
Think of how much energy it takes to find reasons to blame the day’s small problems on someone else. Got an overdue fine? Blame the library for not reminding you. Late to work? Blame the driver in front of you for being too cautious. Feeling worried about your future? You’ve got your pick of groups to blame that loveliness on… The only problem is that you’re not any better off than you were before and you’ve wasted time with pointless mental gymnastics.
Personal responsibility isn’t about taking the blame for everything or letting the rest of the world off the hook. I’d have to say that true personal responsibility is making the commitment to take care of yourself and your family and community as best you can. You can’t control everything, but you do have a healthy degree of control over how life’s events affect you.
But I Don’t Want to Grow up!
It sounds like a drag, being responsible and grown up and all that, but there’s a secret: it’s a fantastic way to find peace and happiness in the arena of your life. When you take control over your finances and needs, you increase the the odds that you’ll come out okay. Complete security is an illusion, but you can boost your odds.
I’d argue, though, that embracing personal responsibility in the little things, the day-to-day minutia, is where you can have a serious impact on your overall satisfaction. When you stop looking for fall-back excuses on the off chance that you’re going to screw up, you take control of your life. And you might screw a few things up (if you’re anything like me), but you also don’t lay your happiness in someone else’s hands and say, “Pretty please, treat me nice!”
Again, the public embrace of personal responsibility may be trendy, but the value of it is timeless. It’s about taking charge of your life and being willing to own up to your mistakes (I didn’t leave early enough to arrive on time, I forgot to write that down, I didn’t do my due diligence, etc.). The payoff is a life where you also get to celebrate your accomplishments and take control of your own peace of mind.
Agree? Disagree? Please feel free to kick up some dust in the comments!
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This post has 18 comments
January 23rd, 2009
Accepting responsibility is the only way to “turn lemons into lemonade.” If you lay all your woes on external factors, you’ll never recognize the opportunities for growth or the chance to take a new, exciting and fruitful path. Much easier said than done though…
Cheers,
Adam
Adam Steer – Better Is Betters last blog post..4×7 Training Update
January 23rd, 2009
I agree…but I also think it is very hard to randomly wake up one morning and start being responsible.
You can have that job, be financially independent and still not be able to say, It is my fault, that x didn’t get done or whatever. I think it is very hard to just flip that switch if someone has not been held accountable all of their lives. It can be done, they personally can ‘flip’ the switch to being responsible, but it takes a while for them to get used to that feeling and to fully understand what they are taking on.
Katies last blog post..Revelation….
January 23rd, 2009
I think this is something that we all have to do. I also believe that for people to take responsibility, they need to learn it. This starts in childhood.
Coincidentally, my latest blog post is on this topic as well. I think children need to be shown that they are responsible for their actions. Parents and teachers can help get this message across.
Chase Marchs last blog post..School’s Not Important
January 23rd, 2009
I embrace the concept of personal responsibility, to the extent that I know I am ultimately responsible for my own happiness and comfort, and for that of my small children — not in the sense that I can control all parts of life that happens to me, but I choose how to deal with it. Overall this concept is a good one for everyone in society to embrace, because it gives them the self-confidence to be able to make the best of their given situation.
On the other hand, and this is the bleeding liberal in me, I do not like it when the concept of personal responsibility is used as a weapon against those who are at a disadvantage. There are some times, of course, when the best thing to do is pull yourself up by your own bootstraps. But I do not want anyone to believe so fully in personal responsibility that they forget about other types of responsibility, such as to show compassion and caring to other human beings, especially those in need. Many times life does throw things at you, some of which are not in your control. When that happens having someone give a helping hand can be a god-send, and help people see the good out there in the world, so they can more easily take personal responsibility for how they deal with a situation.
Please note, I am not saying you were using the term personal responsibility to say you have no compassion for others. In fact, the way you defined it was not this way at all. I just know the term has been used by some to mean something slightly different.
Taylor at Household Management 101s last blog post..Jan 23, Dealing With School Papers Without Losing Your Mind
January 23rd, 2009
I agree. I think it’s probably something we learn over time. After all, I do a decent job, but there are still a lot of times when my first reaction is to find a reason why something’s not my fault. Like you mentioned, the odds of randomly deciding to take control are slim. Perhaps we all need to learn a few lessons and make a few mistakes before we decide to start flipping that switch.
January 23rd, 2009
Taylor, thank you so much for bringing this up. I was so tempted to include a disclaimer about this *not* applying to institutional sexism, racism, ageism, etc, or anything to that end. I didn’t want to get caught up in a political discussion, though. I’m so glad someone brought this piece into the discussion. I’m a big fan of bootstrapping myself, but I’m not a fan of those who think that everyone can do that, and if not, it’s because of laziness or lack of will. Life’s way more complicated than that.
January 23rd, 2009
I agree as well. So often the unwillingness to take responsibility leads to feelings of victimization. It becomes a downward spiral and pretty soon everyone else is at fault and you are at the mercy of the fates. You can’t do anything about your future so why bother, which leads to more “bad luck” and no hope. It often leads to the idea that others owe you because you aren’t as successful as they are.
While I agree with Taylor that sometimes we get the raw end of the deal, what you do with that greatly affects your future. Our country is built on the ideals that you can do what you want no matter where you come from. That is why so many of our ancestors came here so long ago. They had the short end of the stick and managed to work hard and make it.
My husband is a great example of this. He grew up with a single alcoholic mom that was always down on her luck. Nothing ever has or ever will go right for her, mostly because of her choices in life. He grew up being taught that everyone was out to get them and the world was against them and that everyone owed them for their difficult life. She has never taken responsibility for her decisions. Because of this he had a difficult childhood but managed to learn to take action and responsibility for himself (probably because he had to start taking care of himself from a young age). He put himself through college and now has a successful business. He is a great example of working hard and investing in himself to make himself and his life better. His mom is still blaming everyone else for her lot in life and thus is still “down on her luck”. She also thinks she was a fantastic mother and that’s why he turned out the way he did, so now she thinks that he owes her for his success.
People that can’t take responsibility for themselves and their actions are very difficult and draining to be around. I also believe there’s a difference between someone who has had a string of bad luck and is till optomistic and working hard towards their goals and someone who just gives up and doesn’t try to make their lives better.
Susys last blog post..Piling Up
January 23rd, 2009
I think that you’re definitely onto something here. Being more independent (moving out, not dating for a while) has helped me LOADS with taking responsibility into my own hands.
And having a healthy amount of control is essential.
January 23rd, 2009
Great post.
Totally unrelated: I want to get updates by email. But when I tried to subscribe, the Feedburner said this site isn’t set up for email subscription. Am I the only one having probs with this? I’d really like to get the posts directly in my inbox, so if you could assist in this, I would greatly appreciate it!
Jules @ Lovely Las Vegass last blog post..Chinese New Year in Las Vegas
January 23rd, 2009
“InAction” seems easy in the short run, but there is a heavy price to be paid over time …
No assuming personal responsibility is all about surrendering to InAction and then wasting every ounce of energy we have to justify that. Arghhh – it is really hard for me to tolerate that …
I do feel a little bad for people (I have been there myself before) who assume too much in the name of personal responsibility – doing things for others – taking their burdens etc I believe assuming responsibilities of others is as or more harmful than shirking our own personal responsibilities (in some ways it feeds and encourages people the slackers…)
Mayas last blog post..Preparing to Believe in Yourself: The Science of Ditchiness
January 23rd, 2009
I agree 100% – too many blame their problems on others, when they need to look inside. That’s the only way to be happy is accept yourself.
Christophers last blog post..Back-to-Back Heroic Acts by a Transit Officer
January 23rd, 2009
Thanks for this post. I think a helpful way to look at personal responsibility is to start with the idea that, even if we don’t cause every event that happens in the outside world, we’re always responsible for how we experience those events — whether we resist and rage against them or accept them and do what we can. Our relationship to life is something no one else can control.
Chris Edgar | Purpose Power Coachings last blog post..4 Lessons Babies Can Teach Us About Productivity
January 24th, 2009
Beautiful post.
One of John Wooden’s key life lessons was finding happiness by taking control of peace of mind.
J.D. Meiers last blog post..Avoid Mental Burnout
January 24th, 2009
I love this…It’s not easy…but practice makes it come a lot faster. Being raised without this philosphy…or at least the “I” had to take responisbility, but they did not…makes it something I truly savor…now if I could only get the rest of the poeple in my life to jump on board…
January 27th, 2009
I love acting like a kid, but in a responsible way. That way I preserve the fun feelings that I used to have when I was 6-12 years old, but I go about living my life and not blaming people in a way that fosters more of those fun, young feelings.
Dan Massicottes last blog post..How To Interpret The Media In a More Positive Way
January 31st, 2009
Do you know of a website community called toolstolife.com? Your blog about responsibility reminded me of the life-coach’s program.
Cheers!
February 6th, 2009
If we always blame others or circumstances for our problems, we are essentially saying we don’t have control over the situation, and we forfeit the opportunity to change it. For instance, if I didn’t accomplish something and I blame someone else for taking up my time, I might miss real cause: I didn’t manage my time well and think ahead. Don’t get me wrong – things happen! But we need to accept why they happened, even if we’re to blame.
February 24th, 2009
On a daily basis, I choose to be happy and in charge of my own world. To require other people to be responsible for my happiness would leave me always trying to get something for myself from the people around me. Imagine me trying to fill a bucket with a hole in it with water – water symbolizing attention and validation that I receive from others – it will run right out. Depending on the size of the hole and the amount of water that I dump in to it, I might get the bucket to hold water for a time — but it will always escape, and I will be left searching for more over and over again. Now, imagine me filling that same bucket with rocks – the attention and validation I can give myself. All I have to do is pick the right size rocks, and I can stop searching. Every relationship no longer has to be defined by what I need from it, and I am able to rejoice in every positive interaction as a blessing……..not something that I was already owed.
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