Handling Feedback Elegantly and Easily
A huge part of living a full and creative life is handling feedback. Nearly anytime you put something out into the world, whether it’s a conversation, a blog post, or a presentation at work, you open yourself up to the opinions of others. Talk about a double-edged sword…
I would argue that feedback, like pretty much anything else in life, is good only in moderation. A few of the best outcomes of feedback include:
- Making a connection with someone else
- Finding ways to improve your craft
- Learning from another’s perspective
- Getting positive reinforcement from your work
Of course, there’s a less positive side, too. Not all feedback is candy and roses. Add in some of the downsides of feedback:
- Taking your critics too seriously
- Believing your own hype
- Worrying about what others want you to say instead of your own voice
Blogging is all about feedback, so this has been on my mind quite a bit. I actually took a break from reading comments for a few days to see if it had any effect on my writing style and creative drive. (If you’ve been waiting for a response, this is why. I’ll be diving back into communications in the next couple of days.) To my surprise, it only took a short period of time to feel a swing in the creative pulse. I started to wonder what it was that I wanted to talk about, regardless of other factors. It was eye-opening, to say the least!
Be honest with yourself about all feedback you receive. Not all feedback is created equal. Some people may be using your work to air some personal grievance. Another might simply be looking for attention. Some people truly have your best interests at heart, others… not so much. In the end, not all feedback is really about you, so trust your instincts about what to take seriously and what to let go of.
Have a stock comment ready for negative critiques. Being criticized hurts. My first instinct is usually to defend myself. This doesn’t actually help anyone, and it can actually hurt folks who are just trying to share an honest opinion with me. My solution is to have a stock answer ready that acknowledges their concern, but gives me a graceful exit. Then, I can process the critique on my own time with a more open mind. A simple, “I hadn’t though of that. I’ll give it some consideration,” can work without binding you to any specifics.
Try creating something just for yourself every once in a while. Forgetting about feedback is a great way to reconnect with your own voice. When the critical consensus doesn’t matter, you’re free to experiment and completely screw up. You may find things you love, things you hate, and things you can’t wait to show off. You may eventually decide to go public with these private creations, and that’s fine. Connecting with your uncensored voice provides a dose of that all-important balance.
Have a partner to bounce things off of. Whether it’s an online friend, a coworker, or a spouse, running any important feedback you receive by a third party can sort the helpful from the hurtful. Make sure your third party knows that it’s safe to be honest, but for your own sake, share with someone who has tact.
What works for you? How does feedback play into your creativity—as a benefit or a hindrance?
photo credit: joeltelling
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This post has 21 comments
November 10th, 2008
Feedback is an interesting thing, especially negative feedback though positive should also be taken in the same vein. In reality, if one person says something it shouldn’t be taken to heart whether it’s good or bad feedback. Either way it should be used to make yourself stronger and better.
I love your idea of having a stock comment. I just hope you don’t reply to mine with a similar one
Andy @ Retire at 40s last blog post..Why I Must Become Financially Independent
November 10th, 2008
Feedback certainly helps but so does the intention of reviewer. That decides whether it motivates or demotivates. Same like teacher can evalute the performance but not probably a junior!
Poojas last blog post..3rd November 2008
November 10th, 2008
I have found feedback to be creatively stifling also. As a cottage artisan designing and selling jewelry, feedback is important to sales, but it can take much of the joy out of the creative process if you become too worried about what is on trend. I have taken a few months break from jewelry shows, and already feel much more creative. Instead of being primarily concerned with what will sell this weekend, I am able to play with my work again. It is a wonderful feeling.
November 10th, 2008
I’m glad you took a break from the blog and gave us this perspective afterwords because I think it’s great. You’re very honest and insightful about feedback here. When you put yourself center stage you leave yourself open to the full range of your readers comments. I would think a fate worse than your average number of comments (’good’ and ‘bad’) would be something substantially less or no comments at all. Also something to consider is not the number of comments but their quality. Even just one comment can make the blog post more than worth the effort to put it out there. Well that’s my take not from a blogging angle since I don’t have my own blog but rather from other life experiences.
Also you say “Being criticized hurts. My first instinct is usually to defend myself. This doesn’t actually help anyone, and it can actually hurt folks who are just trying to share an honest opinion with me.” which is true. However it’s very important to keep in mind that we’re all expressing ourselves via the written word only with a few emoticons thrown in – no audible or visual feedback included. It’s all the more reason to give the other party the benefit of doubt if there is any doubt present. We’re only getting snapshots of each other here (slideshow) and not a full length movie. I think we should be thankful for that!
November 10th, 2008
Sara, this is the greatest thing about your blog. You are very gracious with responding to comments. I have found that other bloggers immediately defend themselves (as you state) when there is a differing view. It has made me stop commenting to them because they turn it into a personal attack against the commenter. And somehow I think that is exactly the purpose of a blog – to give your opinion, and to garner lots and lots of comments, which means it was a thought provoking post.
Please keep up the great thoughts, but of course you must take time away to refresh, just like doing anything else.
November 10th, 2008
Hmm. I think that last point is probably the most poignant for me. I have a tendency to bottle things up when I perceive them as negative. But when I do share them with a confident it tends to completely change my perception of the situation.
The other thing I have found helps me deal with any negative feedback is to try to empathize with the person giving it. Sometimes it even makes me feel bad for how miserable the person must be in order to allow them to lash out in such a negative way.
Thanks for another thought provoking post.
Cheers,
Adam
Adam Steers last blog post..Fly Under the Radar
November 10th, 2008
Sara,
Feedback… The worst kind for me is false positive feedback. People who are trying to be nice and keep things cool. People who are afraid to really speak up. I get excited about something that I am doing and then find out way later that the masses don’t like it.
But that is the great thing, who cares if everyone does not like it? As you long as you enjoy what you are creating, then I say do it.
However, if your goal is to start a business, become famous, top the charts, or be a famous blogger… then yea, it matters what others think.
I think any feedback that is dishonest is the most detrimental, whether it be positive or negative. If someone truly loves your work, and tells you why, that helps you. If someone truly dislikes your work, and tells you why, that helps you also.
So, with that being said, I would like to give you some honest and positive feedback. I love you blog, Sara. I love your creativity. I love that you respect for your readers and fellow bloggers. Don’t be afraid to go crazy with your creativity. I don’t know about the rest of the readers, but I will completely embrace any new, daring things you want to write about. Take care!
- Jack Rugile
Simple Sapien
Simple Sapiens last blog post..Track and Share Your Life Goals at 43Things.com
November 10th, 2008
Comments are a double edged sword. They can really encourage me, but more often the lack of comments are discouraging. For instance, when I pour my heart and soul into a post – which I don’t do often – and no one comments(but I know they’ve visited), I always fight thinking I was such an idiot putting my feelings out there. I disabled comments for a while because of my insecurities but enabled them again after a short while.
I enjoy your blog.
Vals last blog post..Thanksgiving 25
November 10th, 2008
I’m slowly learning to ignore online feedback from people who don’t know me but think they do. Most of it reflects on the person who gives it, not on me. I do listen to feedback from regular readers.
November 10th, 2008
Feedback is the opinion of the person giving it – that’s it. That is one of the first things I learned when I joined Toastmasters several years ago. Feedback is almost never an attack on the person receiving it. My experiences and work lead me to believed feedback, especially when negative or unsolicited is based on 1) feedback the other person received at some point and 2) the other person’s fears.
Feedback can be helpful, but most people don’t know how to properly offer or receive it.
November 10th, 2008
I guess I shouldn’t be surprised at the quality of comments on this post!
Andy: I don’t think I’ve ever had to resort to stock comments on this blog. (Thankfully!) I have a much easier time sorting through written comments than in-person ones. I agree that there’s limits to how far both good and bad feedback should be taken to heart!
Pooja: The intention of the reviewer is vitally important, and part of the reason why not every comment should be taken as gospel.
Jacque: There’s got to be some kind of balance, right? The on-trend stuff can give you the cushion to explore your own creative impulses. I love your mention of the word “play.” Creativity really should feel like play. Maybe there’s a good litmus test for creative folk there—is it fun?
Mark: You make a good point that getting the opportunity to sort out feedback is a privilege in itself. No feedback would be harder to handle than even the roughest comments. I’m in full agreement with giving the other party the benefit of the doubt. I’ve learned from experience that there a couple people in my life who communicate via critique. They really do mean to be helpful. I feel very fortunate not to have been in that position as a blogger. Commenters here have been more than generous to me.
Ramona: Thank you for such a gracious comment! I hope I never get too defensive. If I ever do, please feel free to email me to remind me of what I said here!
Adam: Empathy is rarely a bad solution, and I think it fits in well here. After all, it takes a very sore spot to cause people to lash out. Imagining that kind of pain certainly takes the sting out of the small wound we may have received.
Jack: I know exactly what you mean. Perhaps the most mortifying thing in the world would be to have everyone telling you you’re great, while pitying you behind your back. It takes guts to listen to those who are being honest, but they’re also the ones who tend to the best advice for moving forward as well. And thank you so much for your kind words; you make me want to be endlessly creative!
Val: I wonder if people feel that a simple comment isn’t up to snuff against a truly heartfelt post… Sometimes it feels cheap to just say, “Thanks,” even if that’s exactly what you feel as a reader.
Vered: I also tend to have more faith in someone who had shown a vested interest in what I was doing.
Stacey: “Most people don’t know how to properly offer or receive it.” So true! How is it that we’re not taught this more formally? The closest I’ve come is the sandwich method: point out a positive, offer a critique, close with another positive.
November 10th, 2008
This post struck a chord with me. Since I’m away traveling, I tend to just skim over comments and feedback. I started getting tons more ideas! Of course I don’t have much time to write, but I’m storing each one of these ideas for when I can catch up to my writing.
Thanks for your honest views Sara, it is especially important online.
Nathalie Lussiers last blog post..Play Your Cards Right, Win Big?
November 11th, 2008
I have a boss who projects his insecurity and issues onto others, especially when offering feedback. I constantly remind myself of this so I don’t take it personally. His issues are his issues and have nothing to do with me. It takes an effort at times, but it keeps me from having a negative response.
When providing feedback to others, I always start by focusing on something positive. I find people respond better and respect you when you do that.
Deborah Johnsons last blog post..My Leadership Philosophy
November 11th, 2008
@Vered: This makes great sense. Most of the regular readers build a rapport with you. While that relationship allows them to learn your perspective, it also gives them the opportunity to give you feedback in a manner that makes sense. Of course, you don’t want to be surrounded by “Yes” people who only give positive feedback, but I agree that new visitors who immediately begin throwing out critique are probably not the best source.
Ians last blog post..Earbuds Bad for the Heart?
November 11th, 2008
If the feedback I receive is given with an iron fist, I am less likely to want to open myself up to that again. It’s especially painful when I work so hard as something and it feels like my work is being stomped down in sometimes the harshest ways imaginable. I know some people who don’t know how to give feed back in a way that is palatable and I avoid opportunities for them to give their opinions at all cost.
Carlas last blog post..Holiday gift ideas | Use your hands | Part I
November 12th, 2008
My best feedback comes from my worst critics. I use it as a springboard for better solutions and improvement.
People that don’t do well with negative criticism tend to have a common pattern. They see the problem as:
1. personal
2. pervasive
3. permanent
As long as you keep criticism objective, don’t generalize it, and become a part of the solution, it’s tough to fail.
J.D. Meiers last blog post..Design a Routine for Exceptional Thinking
November 14th, 2008
Nathalie: I know exactly what you mean! Plus, it just felt like a mini-vacation, which was nice.
Deborah: What a tough situation! I’m glad you’ve learned not to take those comments personally. Beginning with a positive (and ending with one as well) is something I was taught, and it works pretty well when I apply it appropriately.
Ian: With so many comments and such an array of opinions she handles, I definitely respect Vered’s take on the topic.
Carla: That’s so unfortunate that insensitive feedback can cause us (not just you) to shut down those paths. But in some cases, I’d agree that the simplest solution is to not give those folks an open door to insults.
J.D.: I completely agree, but man! How hard is it to not take critiques (positive or negative) personally? It’s definitely something I’m working on. I think focusing on your other two points will be a big help to me.
November 15th, 2008
Hi Sara – It’s really hard not to bristle at negative criticism, or what we’re inferring from perceived “tone.” Stepping away from it and thinking of where the person is coming from is helpful, as you do.
It’s also worthy of note that most people are genuinely nice, but some are just plain, old, garden-variety jerks. Disarming jerks with kindness or a direct question such as, “I’m getting that you might be angry with me. Am I reading the situation right?” They usually back down, as it’s a test of sorts. I appreciated some of my critics over the years as folks loved me enough to tell me like it is.
Betsys last blog post..STAND UP AND TRUST YOURSELF
November 16th, 2008
Betsy: I love your plan of disarming jerks with kindness! It can be surprisingly fun, and you don’t have to worry about a negative backlash. Sounds like a win-win!
November 18th, 2008
It’s not easy to handle feedback especially negative ones. I used to have a tendency to assume that it is a form of personal attack. Then, when I start examining the issue, I realize that it is my own ego that has come into play. If I can rise above the feedback, I become a much better person. Nowadays, I try to take feedback as something to investigate into for my self growth.
Evelyn Lims last blog post..CommentLuv needs updating on this site. Please download the latest version and install it on your site. This message will apear during the first 10 minutes of each hour. This remote script will cease returning posts in 7 days
November 24th, 2008
Evelyn: Your perspective is positively gorgeous. Considering your thoughtful approach to life, I’m not surprised a bit by your willingness to learn from the feedback you receive.
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