Fulfillment, Accomplishment, and a Game of Risk
I’ve had quite a dilemma the last few months. I have dozens of things I want to accomplish, and none of them are much further along than they were weeks ago. I want to sew myself a number of new pieces for my wardrobe, get down some first drafts of kid lit that’s running through my head, and write a slew of guest posts. They’re all goals that can be broken down into easy chunks and are within my powers to accomplish. Somewhere between taking care of dinner, playing with the pooch, adding to On Simplicity daily, and hanging out with my husband, none of it ever really happens.
Why I’m Okay with Getting Nothing Accomplished
The good news is that I think I finally figured out why. It’s not about a lack of time, since I’ve got a few free hours every evening. It’s that there’s a difference between being fulfilled and being accomplished, and I fall firmly in the camp that prefers fulfillment. Sewing and writing are lonely crafts, and at the end of the day, I’d rather spend my time with loved ones than accomplishing something just for the sake of it.
Sure, I’ve got nothing tangible to show for the epic four-hour Risk battle I played with B (especially considering I couldn’t even hold Australia for more than two turns), but that’s okay. We had a good time savoring some cheap wine and contemplating mutually assured destruction. We learned a few things about each other we didn’t know before, and our respect for each other deepened. (Yeah, I know Risk is just a board game, but we have fun taking it very, very seriously.) The value of a new pair of trousers or a bullet point on a resume can’t really be compared to the value of a living, breathing partership. And in all honesty, they shouldn’t be compared.
The Measure of Fulfillment Doesn’t Lie in To Do Lists
Here’s where the crux lies for me: fulfillment is about enjoying the present, while accomplishment is about enjoying the past. (After all, even past accomplishments don’t guarantee future happiness.) And while having done something is admirable (and I mean that in the most sincere way possible), the minutes of the present are ticking away too quickly to be squandered with getting stuff done just for the sake of it. No future pat on the back is worth more than today’s goofy grin.
Does this mean I’m writing off my goals? Hell, no. As one of my favorite children’s books says, “I’ve got big plans! Big plans!” But I’m realizing that perhaps future dreams shouldn’t come at the cost of past dreams that have come true. I used to dream about falling in love with a man who loved and challenged me, and imagined us spending our time doing nothing but being blissfully happy together. We’d play silly games together and dance in the kitchen for no good reason. It would be a shame to stop valuing those dreams simply because they’ve come true. The present is more powerful than I’ve realized. If my future self succeeds and I’m so well off that I have time to just sit back and relax, what good memories will I have to smile about if I don’t keep making them right now, every day in the present?
As in all things, a healthy balance is ideal. But I’m going to stop beating myself up for not getting my self-imposed to-do list checked off every night. A night spent building a relationship and creating happy memories is an accomplishment all its own.
This post has 23 comments
October 11th, 2008
“Here’s where the crux lies for me: fulfillment is about enjoying the present, while accomplishment is about enjoying the past.”
Wow! That’s perfect. It is so easy to get caught up in obsession about what you want to accomplish and forget to live fully in every moment of the present. Today is my wedding anniversary, and I’ll be using the above mantra as my guide to fully experiencing the day with my wife and daughter! Thanks.
Adams last blog post..Your Prasara Body-Flow Yoga At-Home Webinar
October 11th, 2008
It’s about being in the moment. That’s all we have. This moment in time. No guarantees for more. That past, gone. What is it that’s most important to you - in those moments? You’ve got it figured out Sara - it’s our relationships with others. That’s what matters. It’s what makes you happy at the core. And I happen to think that’s being “in the moment”.
Lances last blog post..Coaches…Not Just For Football Players
October 11th, 2008
I have many days home with my kids where I say aloud “today, you guys are the to do list”. Meaning, I acknowledge that there must be moments left just to enjoy each other. No chores, no projects. Just being together. And I have evenings that I say the same to hubby. We need to lose the lists and just spend time together. We were gifted with an afternoon alone together this week and we get another one this coming week. Instead of plotting and planning and scheduling our time, we’re choosing just to be. Do then what feels fun and right. It’s easy to get caught up in how much time we have and how much can we cram in. Then more time is spent watching the clock than actually enjoying our days. There is definitely a balance to be found. I am glad you wrote this. It’s pefectly stated.
Emilys last blog post..How Often Do You Grocery Shop?
October 11th, 2008
Being accomplished can be a bit overated. If you haven’t enjoyed yourself while you were “accomplishing,” then in some ways those hours were wasted. I agree - accomplishing just for the sake of accomplishing isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
Amanda Linehans last blog post..The Joy of Walking
October 11th, 2008
Thanks Sara. I’ve made many to-do lists with priorities assigned to various tasks but I haven’t thought of labeling the tasks in terms of 1) things I have to do, 2) things I want to do to be more fulfilled, 3) and things I want to do to be more accomplished. However after looking at what I just wrote and thinking about it, there are going to be some tasks that could be labeled as either fulfillment or accomplishment depending upon the time involvement and if the accomplishment task can be broken down sufficiently into smaller steps. Of course my definition of fulfillment or small accomplishments here while short term is not the present or in the moment. Now you’ve really got me thinking here!
October 11th, 2008
amen to that final sentence.
life is far too unpredictable and short, IMO, to get our to do lists finished each day at the expense of being present with those we love.
MizFits last blog post..Poetry in Motion.
October 11th, 2008
You’re definitely onto something here, Sara, and I’m not just talking about the awesomeness of risk with its strategy via luck dynamics! I think a lot of the problem is that we’ve so narrowly defined productivity and progress towards goals into tangible, discrete outputs that we don’t see that building relationships is productive and healthy.
Something just occurred to me, and I have no idea what to do with it, but I’ll throw it out there. Productivity and progress have historically been male-dominated topics. And, historically, men have downplayed the importance of the social element of human lives and have left that up to women. I wonder how different things will be as it becomes less male dominated (or now that males are less distant from family activities) and women have more of a voice. Maybe we’ll see more of what Emily does with her kids and recognize that hanging out with family is the goal of the day, not the distraction.
Anyway, the point is that the social aspect of our being is an important way in which we either flourish or we don’t. We need to stop defining productivity and progress in merely cognitive and physical terms.
Charlies last blog post..Time, Creativity, and Metaprojects
October 11th, 2008
I’ve always been more interested in living deeply than in worldly achievement. When my daughter was little I purposely didn’t take a challenging job because being free to hang out with her was more important. I agree with a book I once read, that the best way to raise a confident child is to enjoy being with her/him. I sure did that.
But it was even deeper than that. Hanging out with her wasn’t about raising a child to be a happy contributing adult, it was worth doing even if something happened and she never had the chance to grow up. It was worth doing for its own sake. Fortunately my husband agreed, and we also did a lot of projects together as a family. We all have precious memories of those times.
Now I have more time for challenging projects, but I still don’t have a To Do list. For me it’s a Possibility List. I trust myself to do what’s most important at the moment. It works for me.
Jean Browman–Cheerful Monks last blog post..What I Learned From Being Tortured By a Dentist
October 11th, 2008
Hi Sara. I enjoyed how you separated fulfillment and accomplishment. Brilliant!
I see, after reading this that accomplishment can eventually lead to fulfullment, but it takes more effort and focus. Experiencing simple fulfullment through pleasure is a bonus and a reward that we need to feed those souls of ours to get us to the accomplishment phase.
Davinas last blog post..Thanks, It Means The World To Me
October 11th, 2008
I think you have to find a balance. One of the most important aspects of happy people is that they work toward goals that they find to be meaningful. Another aspect is that they have fulfilling relationships. So sometimes you need to sit down and work on your goals, and other times you simply have to share with your loved ones.
I just spent two and a half hours playing trains with my sister and her two little sons (3 and 1 years old). We would put the train tracks together and while the three year old tried to play with the train the 1 year old would take apart everything we had just built. Was that a waste of time? No, I loved every minute of it. But now I’m going to do something blog-related for a couple of hours, because that’s important to me too.
And I play I mean game of Risk
Marelisas last blog post..Five Amazing Stress-Busting Methods on YouTube
October 12th, 2008
I know how it feels like to have a long to-do list. It is definitely crucial to set aside sufficient time for relationships that are important to me. If my relationships fall apart or become distant, as a result of my not being around most of the time, I’d basically fall apart. And so what if I’ve completed several tasks on my to-do list?
October 12th, 2008
Mark W: I love the idea of prioritizing your “to do” list. I’m going to keep that in mind.
This post is perfect timing. I find it a challenge to balance thinks I want/need to accomplish and time to play with my son. I’m not really ‘good’ at playing so much. I do a lot with him outside - we explore and I take him lots of places. I really need to just stop & play sometimes.
October 12th, 2008
Well put. We sometimes get so bogged down with accomplishments and have-to-do’s that really we forget to smell the flowers. I am fullfilled.
Judy Mackeys last blog post..Key West Lighthouse
October 12th, 2008
How right you are. Kudos to you for being true to your heart! And honestly, you should not be beating yourself up over anything … you know you have been taking on a lot the past few weeks, so a little fulfillment is not too much to ask, is it?
I also try to take care of my relationship with myself …and tend to choose some lonely activities. For me, it is all about passion. I can beat myself up all I want but there is no way I can get myself to do something I am not passionate about.
Mayas last blog post..The key to happiness and balance is right with you, just learn to use it - Part 2 of the thinkmaya framework
October 12th, 2008
Hi Sara - as someone who used to spend every hour working on my business, I couldn’t agree more.
When I first started my blog, I still believed that the only way to build a successful business was by working 80 plus hours a week. Then it gradually dawned on me that balance was far more important.
So, I started writing about business and life. There’s no point in having a business if it doesn’t give you the life you want.
October 13th, 2008
So true.
tealitys last blog post..POSTSECRET.com
October 13th, 2008
Well stated. Completing accomplishments and being still are both important aspects of life. It’s all about the balance.
Stacey / Create a Balances last blog post..How To Embrace a Money Recess
October 13th, 2008
That’s a lovely thought. I wish you every happiness.
October 13th, 2008
Adam: Congratulations! I hope you had a fantastic anniversary and enjoyed every moment fully.
Lance: I’m bad at being in the moment. It’s something I’m slowly learning to do, and it’s the people around me who make it so important. I’m thankful to have them around, reminding me to enjoy the present.
Emily: Care to adopt me? Please? “We’re choosing to just be”—that’s exactly the mindset I’m trying to cultivate. I’m glad you’ve got the perspective to do this with both your husband and your kids.
Amanda: As a perpetual overachiever, this line of thinking is revolutionary to me, but I’m loving it so far!
Mark: I love it when I get people thinking! And it usually means I’ve gotten myself thinking as well…
MizFit: And amen to your comment! Thanks.
Charlie: I love what you’ve said here. I do wonder if evolving gender roles will help in expanding the definition of productivity. I also wonder if online economies will also facilitate this. After all, with social networking and MMORPGs, building and nurturing relationships is becoming a tangibly productive activity.
Jean: I really enjoy your concept of a Possibility List. The best part is that it means you can work toward your goals, but work within your current mood and preferences. Win-win.
Davina: Aha—I like the link-up you’ve made! Fulfillment and accomplishment can work synergistically. Interesting…
Marelisa: Yes, yes, yes! Balance is key to enjoying what we have while growing into something more. I love your example of trains, since that’s pure play. It sounds like you had a lovely afternoon!
Evelyn: I know exactly what you mean. My relationships are the bedrock of my life. I don’t ever want to be at the top with no one to share it with.
Melaniesd: Exploration is a great form of play! I don’t have kids myself, but I remember that anytime my mom had a smile on her face and she was chatting with me, whatever we were doing became “play,” from unloading the dishwasher to going to the bank.
Judy: “I am fullfilled.” What a powerful statement! I love it!
Maya: You make another good point: my relationship with myself is worth cultivating too! I think all these weeks of taking care of everything have temporarily warped my ability to relax. It was nice to remember that “fun” is a worthwhile goal.
Cath: “There’s no point in having a business if it doesn’t give you the life you want.” That’s really the bottom line, isn’t it? I think that’s why your blog works so well—it addresses the whole package of business and life. They’re completely tangled in each other, after all.
Teality: Thanks!
Stacey: The more I write, the more I love your domain name and your overall point about balance. This post is no exception.
Caitlin: Thanks so much—I really appreciate the kind words.
October 14th, 2008
Thanks for this post. It’s like Stephen Covey says (I’m paraphrasing): if you’re hacking through the wrong jungle, learning how to hack through it faster isn’t going to help you. That is, getting more things done more efficiently is no good if you’re progressing toward a goal that doesn’t inspire you. It sounds like you’re seeing things from this “big picture” perspective. — Best, Chris
October 14th, 2008
Chris: What a perfect way of looking at life. I haven’t read any Covey, so thanks for adding in that perspective; it’s really what I was going for.
October 15th, 2008
I agree that life’s about process over product. You have a lot more control over how you live your life than what pops out of it.
A couple years back, one of my mentors changed how I set goals at work. Rather than focus just on “projects”, I focused on “experiences.” Think of it like deciding what adventures to go on for the journey rather than the destination.
J.D. Meiers last blog post..How To Overcome Mistrust
October 15th, 2008
J.D.: “Process over product.” I’m constantly trying to pound that into people’s heads at work. Seems like I need to do it to myself as well!
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