Social Proof and Flying Without a Net
I’m way more knowledgeable than the average person on a couple of pretty arcane topics. (Doesn’t everyone?) Does that impress you?
No? Well, in that case why don’t you come to my house and check out the artistically displayed books on these random subjects. Are you impressed now?
No? Well, crap. See, a bit of my identity is tied up people seeing those signifiers and thinking I’m well-educated and culturally sophisticated.
For me, these books are a form of social proof. They attempt tell the world who I am and why I deserve to be listened to in the absence of any other information. The problem is, to the rest of the world I’m intent on impressing, they’re just books. No one reads the messages that I assume they’re sending. Their only true purpose at this point is to comfort me and prop up my self-esteem.
The Message Your Stuff Is (Or Isn’t) Sending
If you’re surrounded by stuff with the sole purpose of conveying a message to the world about your worth, it’s time to rethink the true value of those items. These things don’t show our imagined audience anything. In fact, they may even hinder us from actually creating the impression we wish to.
Instead of actually going out and learning new things and being genuinely interesting, I use these social proofs as a crutch and don’t bother to learn new things that would actually be interesting. Instead of talking to people and engaging with them, I’m counting on inanimate objects to tell the world my story. How stupid is that?
The Joy of Flying Solo
In essence, the concept I’m talking about is flying without a net. Could you go into the world without any evidence of your talents or success and be confident that people would be able to recognize who “you” are? If not, it’s time to go out and become that person you want the world to see. Stop hiding behind books, playlists, friend counts, and designer labels. Because in the end, your jeans don’t make your sassy, your books don’t make you smart, and your friend count doesn’t make you popular. They’re just meager byproducts of you.
Try flying without a net, and discover that your own wings take you farther and higher than any social proof ever could.
photo credit: ClevelandSGS
photo credit: Photo_Mind
This post has 18 comments
September 16th, 2008
I don’t entirely agree with you, Sara. My daughter’s boyfriend recently told me that he knew I’d be different to the people he usually met before he’d even met me because of the things I have in my living room and what they told him about me. Interested in history, people and philosophy (that came through books), a bit new-agey, somebody who didn’t follow the stream, etc etc. I don’t have those things there just to ‘impress’ guests though - they’re all there because I enjoy them for whatever reason.
September 16th, 2008
I think you and Sharon in her comment pointed out some interesting things. First though, you don’t think my jeans make me look sassy? Come on now
I do think that whether we like it or not, our things tell others about us. I only have to look at my neighbor’s house and his beat up El Camino to know he’s poor. But that’s all I know. I don’t know his story, how he got there, or who he really is. I can gain bits and pieces of knowledge like that my neighbor is poor but it’s when I take that and decide, “well, he’s a bad money manager and lazy” that I would be crossing the line. Because I don’t know.
I agree with you that we have to stop hiding behind those things to show off who we are. Really, just “being” what we are trying to show people we are is the best way. Want someone to think you are smart and well-read? Have a conversation with them.
But in the end, like I said at the beginning and Sharon J touched on, people make snap judgments and we have to live with the fact that we give off impressions of ourselves.
I have become more trusting that my first impression is just as good with a smile and hello followed by some fun conversation than that I do indeed look sassy in my jeans
September 16th, 2008
“Could you go into the world without any evidence of your talents or success and be confident that people would be able to recognize who “you” are? If not, it’s time to go out and become that person you want the world to see. Stop hiding behind books, playlists, friend counts, and designer labels.”
The above quoted sentences from this post assume I want to make an impression, market myself, and make myself known to other people I meet and that they really want to know me. Some or all of the above may or may not be true. I definitely don’t want to hide behind books and other meaningless symbols. I know who I am so the relationships I develop with other people will vary considerably. There are people I can instantly connect with and with whom I want to spend time and share with. There are also other people with whom I can develop a relationship but it would be more evolutionary and take time. Then there are others that should either be avoided or I should have limited contact with. Basically I approach each interaction and relationship with another person as unique and take it from there. You do make a good point though that your ’stuff’ should not speak for you. Your stuff will say something about you but it shouldn’t speak for you.
September 16th, 2008
Hmmmm….yes and no. What the Lion and I have in our house does convey a message about who we are. People walk into our house and immediately comment on how comfortable and cozy the it is. Then they immediately pull up a stool to the kitchen island and settle in for a good old gabfest. However, I understand your point. The Lion and I don’t own things to show who we are to the rest of the world. We own things because we actually use them, or enjoy looking at them, and therefore they are extension of us, not proof of us.
As for my jeans. I KNOW I’m sassy, so I choose jeans that reflect that *wink*
September 16th, 2008
It’s an interesting challenge. I’ll need to think about it. Certainly it’s part of human nature to use stuff to let people know who and what we are.
September 16th, 2008
I think it’s a chicken/egg situation. Do you allow your possessions to define you? Or do your possessions reflect who you are, even if you didn’t own them?
Hopefully it’s the latter.
http://www.LivSimpl.com
September 16th, 2008
I have to say that On Simplicity commenters are the best! You’re challenging, thoughtful, and well-spoken (or is it written?). Please keep the debate going!
Sharon: You’re certainly right that we are judged by appearances, whether we want to be or not. And what’s the point of being judged poorly? Fortunately, you’re a very genuine person. Actually, the whole crowd here is very genuine, which means the idea behind this post is probably not very applicable to the audience.
Emily: You absolutely do not need jeans to convince us you’re sassy.
I also agree with Sharon’s point, and my struggle now is to reconcile what I think about that initial impression (which is important!) and being genuine. I think there’s a fine line between letting our stuff do the talking and surrounding ourself with stuff that’s important to us. Still pondering…
Mark: “Your stuff will say something about you but it shouldn’t speak for you.” Boom–I think that may be the distinction I’ve searching for. Thanks!
Urban Panther: Yeah, you could make any jeans sassy just by wearing them!
I love the description of your home; it’s a perfect argument that there are good things about conveying messages through our stuff and surroundings. (I certainly can’t argue with a message of welcoming friendliness, that’s for sure!)
Vered: “I’ll have to think about it.” Ditto.
LivSimpl: As I’m reflecting on the comments so far, I’m leaning toward the idea that it comes down to authenticity.
September 16th, 2008
Hi Sara,
Good points. Who are we without our stuff? We seem to use it to validate us and show people who we are in the Western world.
I have to agree with Sharon. You can tell a lot about a person from their stuff - what they hang on their wall, the books they read, etc.
I think we make judgements of others so we can see who we will be compatible with or not.
September 16th, 2008
My thoughts are very similar to Urban Panther. People come to my house and feel very comfortable here. They sit, make themselves at home and that’s the message I want to convey. I think it has to do more with our actions as host than possessions. I try to keep possessions minimal - keeping things that matter to us like photos taken by my husband or memorabilia from our vacations. It’s absolutely about authenticity. What you see is what you get. No hidden agenda. Regardless of your possessions, if you’re authentic, that’s what matters most to me.
September 16th, 2008
Geeeezzzz, but I love my books. I’ve learned so much from them and have lived a full life because of the knowledge I’ve gain from these books.
To be serious though, none of our possessions really show who we really are. It’s the type of people we associate with and the kinds of children we raise.
September 16th, 2008
@Stacey Shipman - Authenticity! THAT’S the word I was looking for! I authentically look sassy in jeans. *grin*
September 16th, 2008
“Try flying without a net, and discover that your own wings take you farther and higher than any social proof ever could.”
To which I answer (with the help of Despair.com): “Until you spread your wings, you’ll have no idea how far you can walk.”
http://www.despair.com/limitations.html
September 17th, 2008
I’m a fan of roadtrips. They’re a reminder of who you really are.
It’s a weird feeling as you drive cross-country that the most important resource you have is your mind, body and emotions. Whether it’s breaking down or making friends with new faces along the way, it’s all you. Your network back home and your daily expectations are suddenly miles away.
It’s a sharp reminder that you’re the sum of your decisions.
Whenever I get back home from a roadtrip, I have a short list of skills I need to work on.
September 17th, 2008
My house has very little in it. We live in a small space and control what comes in. We chose the small space because it allows us to continue to live while earning less while we pursue our dreams.
So I’d say that my house and my stuff definitely reflect who I am.
As for flying solo and social proof, I don’t need that. For all that I need (constant) validation in my personal relationships, in my business ones I’m Mr. Confidence. I know what I say has value.
Good thought-provoking post!
September 17th, 2008
You are right to point out that in the purest sense, knowledge or the display of books do not make anyone wise or “worthy”. The essence of who I am is what springs from within that touches the hearts of others.
Still, there is no denying the fact that we are often blinded by stuff or physical possessions. Our ego is that part of the Self that seeks for the “social proof”.
September 17th, 2008
Stacey: “No hidden agenda.” That’s a really good way to put it. I want to be surrounded by things I truly love and value. Adding in stuff that’s there to impress people is what I’m trying to get past–the “hidden agenda” you mention.
Chris: I know! I love my books, too. I have to admit, though, that I keep a few around not because I love them, but because I love what they “say” about me. I absolutely don’t think it’s a problem to hang onto books you love. You can be damn sure I won’t be getting rid of my favorites any time soon.
Urban Panther: You rock! And Stacey nailed it: it all comes down to authenticity.
jrandom42:
Thanks for bringing the levity.
Evelyn: I absolutely agree that it’s an ego thing when we try to put things out there to send messages about ourselves. So the questions I keep asking myself as I declutter is, “Is this here for someone else, or for me? Would this matter if there was no one there to see it besides me?” I love how you put it: “The essence of who I am is what springs from within that touches the hearts of others.” Lovely.
September 17th, 2008
I totally agree with Stacey’s point. A home should be an authentic representation/reflection of the people who live in it and not a carbon copy of what the Jones’ have.
I also think that how others react to what we surround ourselves with won’t always necessarily match the message we want to give but what the individual actually picks up. An example is my mannequin. She stands in the living room wearing nothing but lots of strings of beads. Some people think she’s a weird thing to have stood there, others think she’s ‘cool’. I love her and her glittering array of colourful beads and that’s what matters.
September 17th, 2008
Sharon: Personally, the mannequin sounds cool!
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