Stilts & Cash
Creative Commons License photo credit: futureshape

Believe it or not, there’s an institution where your actions are tracked and either rewarded or penalized. Okay, so it’s not a real bank, but it has a very real affect on your life. It’s the Bank of Nice, a place where being kind pays dividends. It has simple rules. Each time you’re nice to another person, you’ve just made a deposit. Each time you’re cruel or petty to another person without justified cause, you just made a withdrawal.

I was able to get a hold of their current consumer guide, so I thought I’d share it with you:

What’s the Currency at the Bank of Nice?

The currency of the Bank of Nice is help. If you’ve made lots of deposits, you can nearly always count on receiving help when you need it. If you’ve made lots of withdrawals without contributing any deposits, future payouts will likely be given in the form of select hand gestures in your time of need.

How Does It Work?

It’s easy! Every time you’re nice to someone else, they become more likely to help you or be nice in return. The more people you’re nice to, the more the likely there is to be someone in a position to help you.

What Kind of Help Can I Receive?

There’s no limit to the amount of help you can receive by being nice! Benefits may include, but are not limited to:

  • Food and lodging
  • Free rides to and from the airport
  • Birthday cards
  • Shoulders to cry on
  • No-fee smiles

What If I Never Need Help?

Don’t worry! You still get to enjoy the following benefits:

  • Boosted immunity
  • Increased circle of friends
  • Advanced social opportunities

What Are the Limitations?

There are some limitations at the Bank of Nice. If you make deposits with the intention of cashing in within a short period of time, your deposit will be revoked. A withdrawal may be made in your name in accordance with the flagrancy of said violation. Also, if you remind investment recipients about your “generosity” on a regular basis, your deposits may be revoked, and a penalty assessed.

But What If I Don’t Believe in the Bank of Nice?

This is perfectly acceptable according to the bank’s bylaws. The bank isn’t Tinkerbell—you don’t have to believe in it to make it function. So by all means, be as hateful, rude, and vindictive as you need to be. After all, maybe you’ve had a bad day. Your coffee was cold, a patron was rude to you, traffic was murder. We’re certain you’ve got your reasons. The Bank of Nice recommends being overtly mean to the first 10 people you see at work today. This has been an effective solution for many previous clients who have, in response, become dedicated patrons.

Do I Need to Carry My Pollyanna Card at All Times?

Don’t worry. While the Bank of Nice recognizes members of Pollyanna International, Ltd., bank customers are not required to belong to any such organization. Members of Cynics, Inc; Reformed Naughties Anonymous; and both the Whiners and Haters branches of Excuses Conglomerate are also welcome members.

How Can I Make My First Deposit?

The next time you get an opportunity to be caring, polite, and/or kind, simply take it. You do not need to complete any additional paperwork or talk to a representative. Thank you and have a nice day!

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