Teaching Tweens Simplicity
Part of a conversation with a soon-to-be 11 year old:
“I have $800!”
“Wow! Save that money!”
“Well, I don’t get it until I’m 18, but I want it now!”
“Yeah?”
“I need, um… makeup! I need lots of makeup! And clothes, and shoes…”
Of course she does. Sigh. This is a pretty normal response from a tween, but I can’t help feeling that we can do better. Keeping in mind that lectures rarely work and well-meaning advice usually produces an opposite response, what are some strategies for teaching the tweens in our lives the value of simplicity?
- Be a happy example. If you’re happy and you don’t have expensive sneakers or a designer purse, you’re modeling a healthy alternative to consumerism. Of course, some kids will write you off as clueless. Still, a few others will recognize that you’ve decided to be happy without Stuff. It probably won’t change their behavior, but it will give them an alternative to consider as they grow and mature.
- Don’t buy into the hype. Try to compliment tweens on their sense of humor, their easygoing nature, the way they treat their friends and family, or anything that’s not related to appearance or material goods. Don’t compliment their new phone or sunglasses even if they’re pretty much begging for it; it just feeds their conception that Stuff impresses people.
- Have real conversations. You don’t have to dumb yourself down around kids. So why not talk about your savings goals or the hassles of having too much Stuff? Having a logical discussion about simplicity that’s focused on your needs (not on your desire to get rid of their stuff or change their minds) can open their eyes a bit. It’s a slow burn method, but I wouldn’t underestimate the results.
- Let them be who they are right now. Try not to judge tweens for being greedy, materialistic, label groupies. In their world, material items are signals that they use to craft an identity. To behave otherwise in a drastic way can potentially place them in “freak” territory. In other words, focus on building a foundation for the future, and let the message take as long as it needs to sink in.
- Encourage identity building outside of designer labels. Focus on talents and interests instead of “image.” Let tweens know that who they are as a person impresses you far more than what they have. When you discuss celebrities, the same rules apply. Don’t comment on the clothes or looks, comment on their contributions.
- Provide or suggest alternatives that are actually cool. The choice doesn’t need to be between Ed Hardy gear and Goodwill threads. There’s a middle ground of style that can include handmade garments, reconstructed tees, vintage items, and underground trends.
- Steer clear of comparisons. Telling a tween that they should be grateful they have more Stuff than starving kids in Africa takes you two steps backward. First, they don’t care. They’re not competing with starving children; they’re competing with the cheerleader with the Swarovski-encrusted phone. Second, that argument just confirms that Stuff is important and your level of happiness depends on how much of it you have in comparison to others.
I do have a disclaimer: I don’t have a tween, I just work with them. I’m certainly not trying to tell anyone how to parent.
So what works for you? And what would have worked (or completely backfired) when you were younger? Hop into the comments and let me know your thoughts!
photo credit: erin MC hammer
Evelyn Lim
Julie
Carla
Stacey / Create a Balance
Jannie
August 12th, 2008 at 4:59 am
Interesting point of view, Sara.
I used to be involved in community youth work and dealt with both young people under 13, and teenagers up to 18.
It is very true that there is a ‘me too’ attitude amongst this age group - which isn’t all that healthy for their development.
But children’s views and thinking about possessions and money are the result of both parental influence, media effects, and peer pressure.
It is of a cyclical nature- teenagers are continuously reinforcing the attitude of ‘consumerism’ with each other. In turn, they are faced with that attitude in the press. And, at home, they are exposed to it too.
It’s really not surprising why they succumb to it, when adults do too.
It is important to take time to assess why a teenager feels the need to be surrounded by ’stuff’
When I did so, I was able to judge how best to counter their attitude.
Reasons can relate to lack of self worth, pressure to conform etc.- all of which can be influenced by alternative, more positive interventions, like the ones you suggest.
August 12th, 2008 at 7:36 am
Regarding, “Be a happy example.” I’ve often said that kids pick up on your attitude when they are forming their own opinions. If you live life as a happy frugalist because you want to be better stewards of money and resources, your kids will likely adopt this lifestyle as their own. If you poor-mouth all the time, and complain about never being able to afford the finer things, kids will likely grow up to resent frugality and become real mega consumers. In short–be positive, even when times are tough. Great post!
August 12th, 2008 at 8:39 am
Scott,
I definitely agree with the trifecta you mentioned: peers, media, and parents. If all three are reinforcing the value of materialism, what chance do kids have?
Frugal Dad,
I’d agree that attitude is critical–whether it’s positive or negative. Parents who gripe about being poor and complain about using coupons can have the exact same influence as those who promote shopping as a cure-all. A healthy middle ground gives kids a base on which to build their own opinions.
August 12th, 2008 at 9:37 am
An excellent post and wonderful comments (thus far).
I especially appreciated the part about being an example. With a 15 month-old son who is quickly learning to mimic his mother and me, this was an excellent reminder of how I need to live.
http://www.LivSimpl.com
August 12th, 2008 at 9:56 am
really interesting blog today- this really spoke to me. U think leading by example and showing kids that there are so many more worthwhile things to be proud of themselves for rather than (as you so charmingly put it) the “swarovski-encrusted phone” is a great strategy for teaching simplicity.
praising kids for their skills and attitudes was another great point.
i am always thinking of how i can teach my kids (when i’ve got some, that is) how to avoid the mistakes i made. i think this post has provided some great food for thought.
August 12th, 2008 at 10:04 am
i meant, “I think” not “U think” . sorry. no idea how that happned!
August 12th, 2008 at 10:55 am
I have a couple of daughters and I am not really looking forward to the tween years. I think you have made some excellent suggestions here.
I like what you say about accepting them for who they are right now. I don’t think this means that we have to settle for who they are in the tween years, but we do need to love them and give them room to mature.
August 12th, 2008 at 11:30 am
Thank you for posting this. I’m a 15 year old girl in high school and even though I’m young, I’ve been trying to apply simplicity to my life. It’s very difficult though because my friends don’t really understand and my parents aren’t into voluntary simplicity. I like your post and it’s inspired me to keep going with my goal and ignore all the outside pressures.
August 12th, 2008 at 11:42 am
Oh, I cannot wait until my daughter is a tween. Things will get so interesting!
I agree with a lot of what you wrote here; I really like what you said about showing how happy you are without “stuff”. I hope I can remember it when I’m dealing with my tween in just 9 short years.
August 12th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
The best way to teach values to kids is by modeling. They see that their dad and I have no interest in stuff as a means to happiness. They get the message. They still ask for stuff once on a while, which gives us an opportunity to ask them “do you really NEED that?”. Sometimes they say yes, but most of the time, once they have thought it through, they say no.
August 12th, 2008 at 2:06 pm
It’s hard to give anyone advice without sounding like a lecture. I know, as a tween, I ignored a lot of the advice on simplicity I received. It didn’t hit home to me because it felt like an insincere comparison of my future with someone else’s regrets for their past.
In hindsight, though, I think some of your suggestions would have worked on me. I was never one for stuff, I cared more about the image stuff brought with it. Having a role model exemplifying happiness in the absence of stuff, or having someone reinforce the idea that people are more important that the stuff they carry would have helped a lot.
August 12th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
Hi Sara,
You say -
“I do have a disclaimer: I don’t have a tween, I just work with them.”
The tweens you work with are lucky to have someone like yourself working with them. The eleven year old with $800 to burn when she’s eighteen will hopefully remember what you’re telling her now. If not, all you have to do is point her to this blog.
I really liked #4 - Let them be who they are right now.
You don’t want to judge them. There’s a lot of peer pressure and ‘outside’ influences they’re still trying to sort out. Even though I never had children I would say one of the best things to do is to get to know their friends and the parents of their friends. I know that’s what my parents did and I’m sure it gave them insight to me and some of my material wants.
Mark
August 12th, 2008 at 7:27 pm
LivSimpl: Best of luck with your little one! It sounds like you’ll be great examples in many ways.
NeimanMarxist: I’m glad you got something from this. Like you allude to, I think it’s important to be positive about what kids are doing right to give the message any chance of getting through.
Jeff: Exactly–acceptance is vital, even if you encourage better. Kids are still maturing, and need to try things before they can decide on their core values.
Shae: Good for you! It’s not easy to buck the conventional wisdom, but I doubt you’ll ever regret it. I’m proud of you!
Russ: Is “interesting” a euphemism for absolutely crazy?
I’m glad that there will be a couple more ladies in the world (in another decade) who’ve been exposed to more than the “let’s go shopping” school of girldom.
Vered: You are blessing your kids with the gift of common sense! I don’t know of any greater gift.
Eric: Yeah, coming off like a lecturer is one of my biggest concerns. I just hope that even if it doesn’t immediately change their lives, being exposed to a different viewpoint will stick in their brains.
Mark: Thanks for the kind words! And I agree–kids get judged enough (or at least feel judged enough). There’s no need to add to that.
August 13th, 2008 at 12:15 am
Hi Sara,
Tweens and teens are tough ages for children. It’s often when they are starting to find their own identity. I agree, not judging them or labeling them is important. I also found that letting them decorate their room to their liking was important. Our daughter didn’t enjoy cleaning her room, but when I would get done cleaning the rest of the house, she often asked if she could use the cleaning supplies and/or vacuum to get her room done too. She grew up and is tidier than I am. Who knew?
August 13th, 2008 at 8:37 am
Hi Barbara,
Wow! A child who asks for cleaning supplies? What a cool daughter you have! I definitely think having a physical space where they can express themselves is a good thing.
August 13th, 2008 at 2:58 pm
What works for me is having real conversations. Not lecturers. I give both sides of the coin of a situation and not just one time. Any opportunity I have that can be used to teach, I try to use whatever example that presents itself. Sometimes I don’t talk directly to her, but I will make my opinion known. Let kids over hear you talking about something on purpose…of course by my example as well. Commend and praise as well for making good choices.
August 13th, 2008 at 6:21 pm
Natural: I like the idea of letting kids overhear you discussing important topics. It creates a no-pressure environment, and they can agree or disagree without having to do so publicly. I’m glad you’re out there being an awesome example of letting your individuality shine!
August 16th, 2008 at 1:05 pm
Great suggestions. It is very important to remember to “let the message take as long as it needs to sink in.” Our teenage son has a pretty firm grasp of financial managers, but the future is so far away that it doesn’t feel real enough yet to drastically change his behavior.
Another key part of leading by example is creating an environment where your kids need to work for stuff. If you don’t buy the stuff they crave, they are faced with reality—trading the weekends, evenings, and summer vacation working to buy the stuff they want.
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