Dreaming Big in a Small Town
“It’s been… what? Two years since I saw you? Three? What’s new with you, mister?”
“Well, I’ve got a house being built in Idaho, so I’ll be heading out there in a couple months. You know, stay with my parents in the meantime.”
“Yeah? That’s exciting for you. Well, the house I mean, not the living with your parents thing.”
“You should visit sometime. I think you might actually like living there.”
“Okay. Sure thing. I’ll just pack up and move to Idaho because you said so.”
Well, about one year later to the date, I packed up and moved to Idaho because he said so. I hate it when my husband is right.
It’s been two years today since B and I loaded up the moving van in the blistering heat, waved goodbye to longtime friends, and ventured to the Gem State. With just one short weekend visit under my belt, I was nervous and excited. As the lights of Boise became visible through the thick, inky darkness of the mountain pass, my breath caught in my throat. This was real.
I’ve been questioned about the move and done some questioning myself, but in the end, it has resulted in some pretty wonderful things. Here’s what I’ve learned in the transition from city life to rural home.
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People are nice. They’re not nice all the time, and some are never nice at all, but in general, people are still friendly. I was actually taken aback the first few times that people said “hello” to me for no good reason. (It also becomes too easy to take that for granted.)
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There’s culture all around us. You don’t have to live in a big city to be around intelligent, creative people. You do, however, need to make more of an effort to seek out cultural events. People who assume that anywhere not on a coast lacks culture are, quite simply, kidding themselves.
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Being in a minority can be awkward, yet satisfying. For the first time in my life, I was surrounded by people who held vastly different opinions and beliefs than my own. It was kind of scary at first, but I got over it relatively quickly. Most people will agree to disagree, provided you’re not trying to offload your beliefs on them.
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Alienating people is rarely a good idea. That person you cut in front of in the post office? Yeah, they know 10 people who know you, including your boss. The kid at the drive through, taking your order? Yeah, he’ll be your city council person someday, in charge of zoning your neighborhood. In a small town, everyone’s a contact in some way. If you’re going to antagonize someone, you’d better have a darn good reason.
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You can be happy anywhere you choose. Happiness comes from within, not without. While the right locale can truly make your heart sing, the wrong one does not condemn you to a miserable life. ( I’m talking about safe, reasonably well-populated areas with jobs and modern conveniences, not war zones or refugee camps.) Happiness is a choice, one we can make each day regardless of geography.
So what’s your opinion? Am I way off base? Do you long to leave the city or would you eat candle wax before becoming rural? Hop into the comments and share what you think!
July 15th, 2008 at 7:29 am
I grew up in a small (tiny) town - population 800. I go back and forth between wanting my parents’ rural life and my desire to climb the corporate ladder. Someday, I imagine I’ll return to an acreage, but it may end up being close-in to a good-sized city. Or maybe I’ll do what two of our closest friend did - sell the big house in town, buy a bunch of land in the middle of nowhere, and become sustenance farmers. Who knows? Life is funny that way.
You’re right on when you say that “you can be happy anywhere you choose.” I’ve moved around quite a bit for work and school, and every one of the towns I’ve landed in along the way eventually felt like home.
July 15th, 2008 at 7:47 am
I have lived in a large city (Toronto), a very small town (population 1000) and a medium sized city (Ottawa). All have their pros and cons, but I am partial to the medium sized city. I get lost in the crowd in Toronto, and I stuck out like a sore thumb in the very small town…I was the foreigner and always would be. Ottawa is perfect. It has the friendly small town feel and interactions, with all the culture and amenities, but also allows for anonymity when you just want to blend in.
July 15th, 2008 at 8:08 am
Awesome advice. I grew up in a larger city, though not really “big”, it had plenty of things to do. When I graduated high school, I moved with my family to a small town. I, like you, had a major culture shock.
I struggled with accepting the different way of life of a small town and also found that while most people might not agree with your world view, they don’t give you a hard time about unless you’re being an ass.
The first time I went out to eat at a local restaurant in a small town, I asked if they had any vegetarian-friendly meals. The response from the waitress was a glossy-eyes “uhh.. a vegetable what?”. My first reaction was an annoyed “You don’t know what a vegetarian is? You don’t have to agree, but how do you not know the meaning of vegetarian?!” I buried that annoyance and simply explained that I didn’t eat any meat and was curious if there was anything available that did not contain any meat. She went back to ask the chef what he could do.
My family ordered their meals, and we waited. Not sure if I was going to be eating anything aside from sides this evening, I was very surprised when the waitress brought out everyone’s meals, including a very carefully prepared salad that was probably the best looking (and best tasting) salad I had ever seen.
After a while, the chef even came out to talk to us. He said he had been the chef at this restaurant for as long as he’s worked and has never before had a request like this. He wanted to make sure it tasted well and to reassure me that no meat touched the food, even while being prepared.
I was impressed, to say the least. Looking back now, that COULD have gone quite differently had I belittled or insulted the waitress for not knowing what a vegetarian was.
You also make a good point about the kid in the drive-through being the councilman. Definitely something to keep in mind while interacting with people day-to-day.
July 15th, 2008 at 8:37 am
Ooh, I love small towns. I long to be back! I loved that it took forever to get from the bank to the post office (even though they were across the street from one another) because you’re constantly running into folks you know. I loved that the bus driver also had the star role in the community play… I love knowing my neighbors, from young to old.
July 15th, 2008 at 8:41 am
Urban living is growing on me, but I need to get of the city sometimes too.
I’ve never lived in a small town, I think I’d like it a lot. It’s great to be part of a community, to feel like you’re part of something and that your life matters.
July 15th, 2008 at 8:48 am
@Heidi: I also have a secret to try sustenance farming. I’m not sure how *good* I’d be a at it, but it sure would be fun!
July 15th, 2008 at 8:54 am
@Urban Panther: Anonymity can be wonderful. That’s why I went to a larger school instead of the smaller universities that boasted, “Don’t be surprised when you run into your professors in the local shops and anywhere you go.” I was horrified by that idea!
@Russ: Thank you so much for sharing that story! That’s exactly what I was trying to get across: being open-minded is a two-way street.
@Heidi: That’s such a cute story. I don’t like in a town quite that small, but I do enjoy running into my connections at the post office, the restaurants, and pretty much anywhere in town.
@David: It is nice to have that sense of community, but you can build a community anywhere you are. There are some great small town that let you stay near urban centers to get the best of both worlds.
July 15th, 2008 at 10:16 am
What a great story!
I have lived on a farm in a very rural area, a suburb of a decent sized city, right downtown in said city, and now in a pretty small but very touristy and busy city. I love rural the most.
Living away from everything makes you look deeper at what your needs really are. You don’t just stop at stores because you can, but you leave home to get what you actually need.
Parts of me really likes the idea of living in a small village where I can walk to everything and live a small simple life. For today, I am okay with a neighborhood feel and a short trek to the beach.
You are so right when you say that you can find happiness anywhere. It is still, to me, all about your mindset wherever you are.
I moved from a very liberal area up north to the deep south where things were done and said that I never dreamt were alive anywhere but in history books. I have found though, that no matter where you live, you’ll find people you disagree with and it’s a sign of good character to ignore those you can’t get along with and seek out those you can.
July 15th, 2008 at 11:20 am
I would love to stay in a small town place for a while. For a lifetime, wherever my people are, that’s where I would like to stay. It doesn’t really matter.
July 15th, 2008 at 11:48 am
I’ve enjoyed this debate with a number of people. Personally, I’m a city person… for now. I’ve gone back and forth between the two preferences. For me, I think it comes back to who you’re with. I lean toward city life because I like the amount of interaction between different people. In some cities though, people are as isolated as if they lived 1000 miles from anyone. So again, it comes back to the kind of people who are involved wherever you’re at.
July 15th, 2008 at 12:09 pm
I recently moved from the East Coast to the West Coast, to a city I’d never spent any time in before. It was terrifying - I so vividly remember that choking feeling in my throat when it sunk in that it was real.
But I agree with all of the things that you said above and, in the end, I am really happy with my choice. It’s not as different as I had feared!
July 15th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
Oooooooh, a love story . . . I’m glad moving to a small town worked out for you Sara.
July 15th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
I moved from the city to the country 2 years ago. It was and still is an adjustment. I do miss many city “things.” But living in a rural environment is so stunning and special. I pinch myself everyday.
July 15th, 2008 at 5:51 pm
This is very intersting. I went through a number of transitions like yours, and the process of justifying is all too familiar.
One thing, though, from my experience that I’ve learned is that happiness is really not a choice… It is a reaction driven by who you are as a person. You can justify things, focus on what’s positive, think happy thoughts only to a point. Happiness comes from whithin, but how long and how far you are going to bend your “within” has its limits. Eventually your “you” wins.
I’ll keep reading your happiness posts, this topic is too interesting!
July 15th, 2008 at 7:18 pm
@Emily: Ditto–my shopping habits have completely changed. The idea of village-style living is really appealing, though. I could go for that.
@Avani-Mehta: It is the people around us who make life so treasured, isn’t it?
@Marshall: You can definitely find people to connect with wherever you are, but it is easier to find a wider range of people in the city. It sounds like you know what works for you! I’m also curious if I’ll end up going back and forth, similarly to you, and want to be in a city in another decade.
@Erica: I love it! You can focus on difference or similarity. You can find both pretty much anywhere you land.
@Marelisa: It is a love story. That’s my favorite part!
@Squawkfox: That’s awesome that you can appreciate where you are instead of focusing on the things you’re missing.
@Ulyana: I’m really interested in your take on happiness–sounds like you’d say we have a “set point” that we fluctuate around but always return to. I’m not sure I agree, but it’s an idea I’ll be chewing on for quite awhile.
July 15th, 2008 at 7:42 pm
Sara, I grew up out in the western Wisconsin countryside near a small town (pop. 3000) and it was the big town for miles around. Growing up, it was primarily a dairy farming community. For me, it was culture shock to move to the big city to go to college. Now I live in the very far outskirts of a major metro area, and I like that. It still feels like a small town where I’m at, but yet I’m close to all many extra things because of the metro area. What I really like is that as I head further out going to work, I am quickly back in wooded areas and farmland. It reminds me of growing up in the country.
What’s also interesting is that the area I grew up in has had a pretty big decline in the number of family farms. And they have been replaced by people from Chicago, or Milwaukee, or Minneapolis, looking to live a more relaxing life. And the town has really transformed itself with small shops, artists, and a theatre. So, going back, I don’t know nearly as many people anymore. But everyone remains very friendly. And it feels “right” being there.
It’s a hard question, really. It is for me, anyway. I’ve lived in large, medium, and small cities. I see advantages to all. And disadvantages. So, it comes down to what makes you happy. Small has a very real appeal. It’s not easy going someplace “foreign” to you. Taking that step took a lot of courage. It sounds like it has suited you well.
July 15th, 2008 at 9:19 pm
I’m a city girl. But What you said about being happy anywhere is SO TRUE. As long as I’m with my loved ones, I believe I can be happy anywhere.
July 16th, 2008 at 12:28 am
I don’t think that you’re off base at all. It’s like you said, “You can be happy anywhere you choose. Happiness comes from within…”
It’s all in how you perceive the change you’ve made and how you embrace your environment. The people you surround yourself with.
When I was younger I wasn’t very outdoorsy…I have some “Monkish” habits (ya know, the tv show “Monk”?). Really though, I do. ::Frowning:: I went camping anyway b/c my little brother really wanted to go. I embraced the company I was with and the dread slowly eased away (it didn’t disappear completely but it sure made it easier).
July 16th, 2008 at 1:40 am
Hi Sara,
You’re my neighbor. I’m in Oregon. I’ve lived in big cities and small towns (pop. 350), but home is definitely where the heart is.
I love your truthful description of life in a rural area.
July 16th, 2008 at 5:38 am
For some years, I was staying in this location that I absolutely disliked. It became a pain and I started building all these negative energy. I could not understand why everyone else liked it there.
Then, gradually it dawned on me that it was also a matter of paradigm. I chose to pick on all the little things on why the location was no good. When I decided to focus on the good aspects, it did not seem so bad afterall.
You are right to say that anyone can be happy anywhere and that happiness comes from within. It is very much a choice!
Evelyn
July 16th, 2008 at 6:24 am
I grew up in a smallish town outside of Charleston, SC. I moved around a bit in my teens and spent five years in the Twin Cities. The city never grew on me. I think you described it well when you noted that in small towns people are more careful because today’s actions may have unforseen consequences.
As soon as I could I drug my husband back to SC. We live on the outskirts of a small town, but are close enough to Charleston that we can take advantage of some of the desirable benefits of city living.
July 16th, 2008 at 8:31 am
@Lance: Thanks for sharing your story! I think where you grow up and how you enjoyed it then makes a big impact on what areas you prefer as an adult. I also live reasonably close to a great city, which is a wonderful resource.
@Vered: Yeah, my experience would probably be much different if I didn’t have my husband along for the ride. He makes every place fun!
@Ricardo: Your Monk reference cracked me up! I imagine you could have had a hellacious time camping if you’d let yourself.
@Barbara: Howdy neighbor! And thanks for the kind words.
@Evelyn: I would imagine it takes a lot of perspective and maturity to switch your view on the same place and have two totally different experiences there. Thanks so much for sharing your story!
@Heather: Living close enough to a city is really a blessing, isn’t it? Congrats on getting back to a place you love!
July 17th, 2008 at 10:12 am
You can absolutely be happy anywhere; I have done a lot of travel in my day for extended amounts of time and you really just need to be accepting yourself. I have found that you don’t even need to speak the same language, a smile is the same in any language.
July 17th, 2008 at 6:10 pm
Hank: It’s nice to hear from someone who has traveled a lot and found this to be true. Thanks for adding to the conversation!
July 22nd, 2008 at 10:38 am
Living in a small town may sound heavenly, but if you’re an ethnic minority, you’ll never get even close to that. You’ll be harassed and discriminated against by the locals, the cops, the town governments, and businesses, just because “you don’t look like one of us”.
I lived in a small town for over 15 years, and finally left when the level of discrimination and harassment got to the point where I went to the local US Attorney for Civil Rights and was told any kind of action would take at least 2 years to get started. It wasn’t worth the hassle of dealing with weekly “felony broken tail light” stops by the cops, $2000 water bills from the town, (when I used less than my neighbor who only paid $36), 1500 code violation citations in a year (like fence wrong color, driveway 2inches too wide, etc), public works tearing up my street and not fixing it for 7 years, and comments like “we don’t want your kind here. Take your money and get out.”
If your’e white, moving to a small town may be heavenly, but it’s one of the lower circles of hell if you are a minority. I’ll never live in a small town ever again, and neither will any of my family.
On a final note: I moved to a big metroplex in the Northwest and found much more acceptance, respect and opportunity in a day than I did in 15 years in that small town. I went back, just to visit and show off my good fortune to a place where the economy has collapsed and unemployment has reached 30%. It may not have been nice, but I sure did enjoy the schadenfreude, perhaps a little too much.
July 22nd, 2008 at 7:28 pm
@jrandom42: You’re proof that the small town life isn’t for everyone–sometimes for reasons far outside your control. I do think there are some areas that are small yet open-minded (college towns come to mind), but regardless, I’m glad you’ve found a place that suits you well. As always, the bottom line is that you’ve got to do what’s right for you, and it sounds like that’s just what you’re doing.
July 24th, 2008 at 9:20 am
The ironic part of this whole adventure was that I was employed by the local university.