This Too Shall Pass: Dealing with Disappointment

Posted on June 11th, 2008 in Happiness, Relationships

There’s no two ways about it: disappointment sucks. Some disappointments are minor, like when the meal at a rare dinner out tastes awful. Some disappointments are major, like when a dream job doesn’t pan out or a friend abandons you. But regardless of size, all disappointments can ruin your day… and that of those around you.

Disappointment Is Contagious, So Cover Your Mouth

It’s natural to be bummed when something you’d hoped for doesn’t work out. Disappointment makes us human, and is a good signal that we have goals. That doesn’t mean we have to dwell in it. When we dwell, we miss the good things that may be happening in spite of, or even as a result of, our disappointment.

In addition, we bring down everyone around us. If you’re going through something important, your loved ones will likely understand. However, if you’re still complaining about the fact that the server forgot to bring you extra ranch, it’s time to snap out of it.

Give Yourself a Mourning Period

I’m absolutely not suggesting that you ignore disappointment. Acknowledging that you’ve been let down helps you figure out what you really want. It also signals that you need to start thinking about what to do next. But before you get that far, set an appropriate mourning period for yourself. If you just found out that the vacation you’ve been looking forward to for months isn’t going to happen, give yourself a few days to be nothing but bummed. On the other hand, if your favorite sock shrunk a size, don’t let your frustration last past the fluff cycle.

Put It into Perspective

The best way I’ve found to put a disappointing experience behind me is to put it into a larger perspective. Ask yourself, “Will I care in five years?” or even better, “Will I care tomorrow?” If the answer is “no,” then you can start readjusting your mood. The problem lies our overwhelming sense of the present. Whatever is happening now resonates far deeper than the events we may experience tomorrow. So, to get over a current disappointment, you’re going to have to make an extra effort to imagine how much (or how little) this will affect you in the future.

Just Move on

There’s no other way to get past that nasty feeling in the pit of your stomach. There are no tricks. At some point, you’ve got to just move on. Of course, it’s easier said than done! But when you’re ready to let go of your disappointment, you can try a few different tactics.

Distract yourself by thinking of something else
Think of something good or exciting that will happen soon
Wear yourself out with physical activity
Go to sleep; everything feels more distant after a nap
Engross yourself in music, literature, or film

Of course, there is one sure-fire solution that I can personally recommend: blog about it!

This post has 9 comments

Tom Volkar / Delightful Work
June 11th, 2008
I like our suggestion of giving disappointment the benefit of time. When we put anything in that perspective it’s impact certainly lessens. I also like to ask – what’s good about this? Then I look until I can find some good.
Sharon J
June 11th, 2008
Great post!

Being negative about anything can and usually does bring others down. I’ve tried to eliminate the really negative people from my life and while we’re all entitled to a moan now and then (like immediately following a disappointment), we must, as you say, move on.
Bamboo Forest
June 11th, 2008
I think it may also be valuable to realize that no one owes us anything. At least on some level, this seems to be true. How can we justify expectations about life, when we didn’t even do anything to merit being here in the first place? I’m not saying that people don’t have obligations to one one another; I’m only saying that on some level, we really aren’t owed anything. On the other hand, if we are preoccupied with the belief that we are owed, we will inevitably be disappointed time and time again.

The mourning process is an interesting concept. I would only have reservation if this also meant being grumpy. Our demeanor effects everyone around us. If we can’t be happy — we should at least strive to be neutral so that we do not negatively impact those around us.

I love your example with the ranch dressing, oh so true.
Marelisa
June 11th, 2008
This post made me think of Hillary Clinton. Before Super Tuesday it was practically a given that she would be the first woman president of the US, and now it turns out that she lost. Even though she can try again in the future, it’s very likely that an opportunity like the one she had this time around won’t present itself again. I’m sorry from bringing politics into your blog Sara I think disappointment stems in large part from a sense of scarcity: like it was your one shot and you missed it. For most things in life you do get a second chance (and even a third and a fourth sometimes). For the things you don’t get a second chance for, I guess you just have to pick something else. I have a hard time dealing with disappointments when it comes to the big things, although the small disappointments I can brush off really fast.
Vered
June 11th, 2008
You know, one of the toughest things for me as a mom is watching my kids being disappointed, keeping my cool (rather then becoming overprotective), and teaching them that disappointment is part of life. Accepting the unpleasant feelings and moving on is a very important life lesson.
Barbara Swafford
June 12th, 2008
Hi Sara,

I can usually “let it go” pretty quickly, but I do try to find a lesson in the disappointment.

Often I’ve found disappointments are actually a blessing in disguise.
Mikeachim
June 12th, 2008
In a weird, twisted way, I’ve kinda learnt to relish disappointment. Because it’s always what happens just before a really exciting challenge.
Natural
June 12th, 2008
This is pretty much what I do. “Will I care tomorrow?”

I acknowledge my feelings and say by this time next week, I won’t be able to recall them.

I make sure not to sit in the “pity” corner too long. Disappointment is just part of life and as long as you’re breathing, there is hope.
Valeta
August 7th, 2009
Disappointment can be a real testing part of one’s experiences in life. But truth be told, we disappoint ourselves. Often we have our mind set on a particular course and refuse to accept warning signals or indicators that all will not necessarily turn out well. Much of our pain and gripping stems from the fact that we blame others. As you indicated, it is a time to self-analyse and look at the lessons which are to be learned.