It’s Okay to Just Shut Up: Understanding Introversion
As my dad once told me, I’m an introvert to beat the bandwagon. And it’s true! Yet I have a job that requires me to be the public face of a public institution. I have to talk to many, many people and get up and do silly things in front of very large crowds. Does this make me freak out and run for the hills? Nope, because I understand the true nature of introversion.
Before I go into what introversion is, let’s go over what introversion is not:
- Shyness
- Social awkwardness
- Discomfort in large groups
- Snootiness
- Lack of social skills
- Fear
What is introversion then? Armchair psychologists will tell you that extroverts are comfortable around people and speaking to others, while introverts are not. What’s the problem with this dichotomy?
- A significant percentage of the population is being defined by what they are not in comparison to the another group. A real definition would be able to tell us what introverts are, not what they are not.
- There are plenty of introverts who defy that definition.
- Not all extroverts are comfortable speaking in groups or making presentations, while many introverts are.
So What Is Introversion?
Introversion and extroversion are not abilities or inabilities. They are preferences. While members of either group can have equal social skills and function equally well in social situations, introverts generally prefer more of a balance between group situations and alone time, while extroverts generally prefer to spend the greater balance of their time in social activities.
As noted in Marti Laney’s The Introvert Advantage, introverts are energized by spending their time alone. Being in group situations depletes their energy more quickly. They work best when they have large segments of quiet time to balance out any time spent in group activities. Introverts prefer to think internally and actively decide what they will say before communicating verbally. They are typically self-motivated.
Extroverts, on the other hand, are energized by being around other people. They feed off of social interaction and get some of their best inspiration through conversations. They also need a certain amount of alone time to find balance, but not nearly as much as introverts. On the whole, extroverts tend to think out loud and are often motivated by other people and external forces.
Where Does the Conflict Between Introversion and Extraversion Come From?
The negative comparisons seem to arise because introverts only make up a minority 25 percent of the population. Since the majority of the population is extraverted, introversion is often seen as unnatural or as a deficiency. It’s simply a numbers thing, where the norm becomes the standard. Unfortunately, it makes healthy introverts feel like they need to change who they are instead of being happy with themselves.
In my opinion, both preferences exist on a continuum, and each individual’s place on that continuum will fluctuate based on their mood, current environment, and energy level. In my own life, it really depends on the specific situation. With some people, I have serious verbal diarrhea, while I’ll naturally be reserved around others. This often depends largely on how much the other person is talking. In many work situations, I’ll be the first to pipe up with an idea or suggestion. At other times, I’ll just sit and actively listen. It all depends on whether I have something to say that will be of value, or if I’m essentially just talking to myself.
Defensive Much?
I do a lot of talking during each day. Much of it is to individuals, and a great deal of it is also giving community-wide presentations. It’s pretty insulting to hear that because I like to be alone for a certain percentage of each day, that I must suck at these other parts of my life. It’s also mega-annoying to see articles discussing how to “get over” introversion, when it’s really just who I am. I kind of like myself, so I do get defensive when I’m considered socially backward or, even worse, just plain wrong.
However, my main point here isn’t to be on the defensive or on the attack (Introverts Unite!). I’m simply looking for more people to be able to have a productive conversation about extroversion and introversion based on accurate, shared definitions and ideas. These energy preferences play a huge role in our productivity and the quality of our relationships, so having a common idea of the subject is helpful and can promote growth and development that actually makes sense for both extroverts and introverts.
I’d love to hear your opinions and experiences, so please dive into the comments are share your take!
June 24th, 2008 at 7:06 am
Hello, fellow introvert!
I love this post. So many times people look at introverts as if they are straight up wrong to be the way they are.
For my particular flavor of introvertism (is that a word?), I have no problem talking a lot if I know someone. I have no problem making presentations (I was a teacher before getting married and getting to stay home with the kids). I don’t tend to talk in large groups, if I’m not in a leadership role. I tend to sit back and listen and process quietly until I understand where people are and what people are really saying and if they are open to hearing what I’m thinking (what’s the point wasting my words on people who won’t really hear them?)
Great job on starting up this conversation.
June 24th, 2008 at 7:25 am
btw, I wrote a post for readers from my blog to come check you out. My site doesn’t send pings (grrr…), but wanted to let you know I thought your post was totally link-worthy.
June 24th, 2008 at 7:32 am
Introversion is totally healthy. People who say otherwise are a simply uninformed. However, introverts still love to interact with others, but do so with a small group of close confidants. I not an introvert, but a few of my good friends most certainly are. They love hanging out as much as I do, but not in large groups for extensive periods of time.
Let me know if I’m way off base here.
PS: I like the blog… keep it coming.
June 24th, 2008 at 7:40 am
I love this post! I agree that there is nothing wrong with being an introvert. I love to read by myself or watch tv by myself or just go to lunch alone. My thoughts occupy me quite well and it’s not uncommon for me to laugh at something I’m thinking about, sparking curious glances from others around me at times. But I don’t mind, I consider myself a free spirit not Dependant upon others to entertain me.
My mother always joked that I was the only baby she ever knew that cried to be put down.
June 24th, 2008 at 8:29 am
Hi, Sara. I found you through Barbara (BWAB) and Vered, and this is my first visit. I guess you’ve been reading some of the same posts I have lately about “how to cure the disease of introversion.” I’m glad you spoke up for our people!
I’m planning to write a pro-introvert post of my own, but it might take a while b/c I’m trying to finish up my ebook. But thank you for promoting our cause. Maybe we should have an Introvert Awareness Day and a fundraiser!
June 24th, 2008 at 8:47 am
Good points, Sara. I hate it when someone asks, “Why are you so quiet today?” I suppose nature fills a vacuum, but if there’s no reason to do so, why bother? Like there’s something wrong with not talking incessantly.
June 24th, 2008 at 9:36 am
Sara: I completely agree that most people have a misconception of what it means to be an introvert. Like you describe, introverts simply get their energy from being alone and have a tendency to be depleted quickly in large-group situations, while extroverts are the opposite. When I try to tell people that I’m an introvert, they don’t believe me because I have no problem striking up conversations with people I’ve never met before, speaking in public, or letting my opinion be known. Well, they can think whatever they want, I know I’m an introvert
June 24th, 2008 at 9:39 am
Sara - I don’t know WHAT I am anymore. I love people- I do. I get along with them well, I like interacting blah blah blah but take away my me time and I might bite. I find that I like a lot of alone time.. *shrugs*
FYI - this is an excellent post. I love how you pointed out the whole “if you don’t fit the majority, you must be deficient” thing. What’s THAT about. I also like how you pointed out how introverts have been defined as what what extroverts are not.
You make a good point girl
June 24th, 2008 at 10:28 am
@ Marelisa: “introverts simply get their energy from being alone and have a tendency to be depleted quickly in large-group situations”. That’s me! That’s me!
Yes, I’m an introvert. I have many friends and a rich social life, but when I need to recharge, I need to be alone. It used to bother me when I was younger, b/c I did perceive it as a weakness, but not anymore.
June 24th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
I am so, so glad to see this post! “The Introvert Advantage” helped me more than almost any other book I’ve read. Another helpful book is “The Highly Sensitive Person” by Elaine Aron. I am like a lot of people who have commented here. I can talk non-stop with friends and family and my job requires me to be very sociable. But at the end of an especially “talkative” day I HAVE to hide from the world and decompress, I have to read or watch TV or just sit.
Most of the time, my idea of sheer heaven is to sit and read a book.
When I spend more time than usual around people I just shut down after awhile. I can’t think, I can’t speak, all I want to do is sleep. I’ve had to give up a lot of extra curricular stuff during stressful periods but it’s been worth it, completely worth it.
I have some friends who understand my introversion and even help me guard my time. I also have friends who do not understand why I don’t want to attend every single event or party. They get annoyed with me and I don’t know how to make them understand that I am not rejecting them.
Thanks for this great post and for letting me speak about something very important to me!
June 24th, 2008 at 4:35 pm
YaY for introverts! It’s always confused people that I dislike making small talk and large groups, yet I’m more than happy to perform or give presentations.
I think the hardest part of being introverted was realizing that it’s OK if I don’t want to go out or would rather spend the majority of my time alone. It’s good to know that there are people out there who share my idiosyncrasies.
June 24th, 2008 at 8:31 pm
Hi Sara, just found your blog today. I love “The Introvert Advantage.” It completely changed the way I thought about myself - I’m much more accepting of being an introvert now. In fact, I like it!
June 24th, 2008 at 8:38 pm
Thanks for all the comments. I’m glad this post struck a nerve. In the end, neither extroversion or introversion is good or bad. They’re simply different, and oftentimes require different strategies for success.
June 25th, 2008 at 1:04 am
Hi Sara,
This totally describes me. “They work best when they have large segments of quiet time to balance out any time spent in group activities. Introverts prefer to think internally and actively decide what they will say before communicating verbally.”
I NEED my alone time, and if I don’t get it, I can get cranky. Thank goodness my family understands my needs.
June 25th, 2008 at 2:28 am
great post, really interesting.I think people are a mix of introvert and extrovert to varying degrees. i don’t really think i’d class myself as either. i have to have quite a bit of time alone, and am happy with my own company, and i often just let the answer machine take messages because i don’t want to be talking to people.but i do enjoy social activities too, meeting with friends, going to african drumming etc i think being introverted is seen as negative but it really shouldn’t be, we’re just all different
June 25th, 2008 at 6:55 am
Hi Sara - Thanks for your comment on my blog! It brought me here to check out yours. Being an introvert myself who actually wrote about how to become an extrovert recently on my blog, imagine my surprise when I read this post! I hope I’m not offending any introverts here, but for me becoming an extrovert (at least on the outside) was a survival mechanism that saved my life. Here’s the link: http://shanelyang.com/2008/06/20/how-to-be-an-extrovert/
Although not every adult introvert is shy or socially awkward, it seems to me that quite a few are or at least perceive themselves to be and actually want to change, which was exactly how I was even inspired to write my post. A reader emailed me saying he often finds himself in “awkward social situations” and and constantly works on his “social skills.” The kicker was when he wrote, “One day I hope to be more extrovert and less introvert.”
But, I also get exasperated when I have to pretend to be more cheerful or friendly than I feel most of the time or else people will think I’m stuck up or morose. It’s funny but I can recognize other introverts who have learned to do this, too, and I commiserate. I think this is mostly a problem in the U.S. which puts a very high premium on extroversion compared to, say, the Far East, or even Europe.
Great post, Sara! It’s gratifying to find so many proud introverts here who are happy to let themselves be. : )
June 25th, 2008 at 7:26 am
You make some great points. I’m an introvert, but I like to be around people. I’m in marketing and I must give presentations to groups and I hope to give talks to people about how to work happier in the near future. I love the interaction, but I love my alone time too.
I think that everyone should spend some time with themselves and see the beauty in it. When we need people to give us energy it can become a crutch.
We learn about who we are when we are with people and without. The real soul searching needs to be done alone because there isn’t any influence from others. It’s in this soul searching where we understand our happiness.
June 25th, 2008 at 9:23 am
Okay I’m an introvert. I love to be alone and I like being around people. I speak before crowds of hundreds when I have to, when the lights come on, so do I. During the day, especially at work, I don’t talk, but if people engage me in a conversation, I can talk for a long time. I love to listen and speak only when I need to. I do spend a lot of time thinking and less time talking. This was so interesting, thanks for sharing. You could be my sister. If I don’t get my alone time, I’m cranky. Talking is overrated
June 25th, 2008 at 10:40 am
I am both - most people are shocked when I tell them that on the Meyers-Briggs test I’m barely an “E” (extrovert) - I have a big personality and tend to be a loud talker, so people just assume that I’m not at all introverted.
I function at my best when I have quiet alone time. For me a perfect day includes a walk alone (or with the dog)in the woods or an good book, a glass of wine, and a long soak in the tub. Quiet is how I recharge my batteries so I can do all of the ‘extroverted’ stuff that’s part of my job.
June 25th, 2008 at 7:57 pm
Ive been told I’m weird along with alot of other names…I was just recently told that there was a name for it and there is nothing wrong with being like me. I’ve never met anyone else like me so this is pretty cool seeing there are alot more of us out there! My most productive time is alone and I have had jobs where I had to speak to people. It just felt like I really needed to be alone for the rest of the day….
June 25th, 2008 at 11:18 pm
Bravo! I suppose I am an introvert. … … … Two hours pass… Yet I am no less a social being. … It’s getting late now, it’s after midnight… I walk the earth, I breath the air! I experience all of the sights, sounds, conflicts and contradictions humanity; and this earth has to offer. …I could easily be sitting here all night. I have sometimes in the past enjoyed a few long and deep conversations; they were admittedly few and far between. I relish my solitude, perhaps because, that is what I have most. I believe; as individuals we are each an autonomous being, yet we are compelled by an innate affinity for human contact. Good night.
June 26th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
Hi Sara,
Half the time, I feel like a mass of contradictions~ sometimes quiet, sometimes gregarious… There’s a stigma around being introverted and when I get that “what’s wrong” when I’m in a quiet mood, it’s frustrating. We just need to be ok with ourselves the way we are! It sounds like you are and the awareness surrounding this post will help others as well! Great job.
July 2nd, 2008 at 12:17 am
Hi there Sara.
I REALLY enjoyed this post. I especially like how you wrote that the difference between introversion and extroversion is “preference”. That definitely turned on a light for me.
July 2nd, 2008 at 4:54 am
Wow, I have basically always considered myself an extrovert.. but after reading this more in depth and accurate description, I realize I am more of an introvert who is comfortable in social settings, etc.. but I prefer to have a significant amount of alone time to energize myself.
Nice blog.
July 3rd, 2008 at 10:49 am
Good post. When I was younger, I was very much an introvert but as I grew older I decided to become more extroverted. Now, I’m a bit of both and enjoy spending time with myself and also spending time with others.
July 6th, 2008 at 6:42 pm
Brilliant Sara! Thank you so much for stating what introversion is not. There’s so much conflicting information about what it is that it is clearer saying what it’s not. I appreciate your straight-forward, no-nonsense approach. It’s such a relief! As an introvert, I like being with my friends and I like being on my own. As far as my social skills are concerned, I’ve worked hard to improve them - not because I’m an introvert, but because I wasn’t taught the necessary skills as I was growing up. Being an introvert is just a bonus.
July 9th, 2008 at 3:05 am
[...] It’s Okay to Just Shut Up: Understanding Introversion was featured in The Sixteenth Edition of the Carnival of Improving Life. [...]
July 17th, 2008 at 12:12 pm
[...] good thing; we should be celebrating our God-given temperaments. (Btw, author Sara, of the blog On Simplicity (great ideas on simple,abundant living) delineates introversion, shyness and extroversion. [...]
July 22nd, 2008 at 11:10 am
As an introvert, I’ve often had to fight the urge to snatch the cellphone from an extrovert, shove it up their ***, and tell them to SHUT UP!
July 22nd, 2008 at 6:35 pm
@jrandom42: I actually just enjoy the eavesdropping.
July 31st, 2008 at 9:36 am
Hey Sara, Thanks for sharing some light with us. I recently did the Myer-Briggs test and i’m a INFJ. I had one of my friends say to me, “You’re an introvert? No way”. A lot of people out there don’t understand that just because you are an introvert it doesn’t mean you are “emo” and like to seclude yourself from the real world.
Loved your post. Great to read thoughts from other fellow introverts!
July 31st, 2008 at 7:16 pm
Karen,
Thanks for adding your thoughts. I think I ended up as an ISFJ on the MB test. I only remember because a friend tested at the same time as an ENTP. Suffice it to say that the friendship was challenging, at best.